Friday, November 30, 2007

Taking on the trashy LSU tigers

I owe my readers an apology. For 13 weeks now I've been reprimanding Ole Miss Grove-goers for their disastrous fashion choices.

I thought I had seen it all, the worst of the worst. Colonel Reb-embroidered pants. Bow ties of all sorts. Barefooted nymphs frolicking among the stadium bleachers.

But I discovered on Nov. 17, 2007, that I had in fact seen nothing at all.

So I owe you all an apology. (And I don't apologize a lot, so listen up.) I'm sorry for chastising you. I'm sorry for mocking your poor fashion choices like they were the worst decisions ever made.

I'm sorry, not because I regret what I once wrote, but because I now realize that what I once deemed to be heinous and poorly-made fashion choices were not really that bad when compared to the trashy, classless, sleazy (yep, I said it) choices made by LSU fans in the Grove when they visited our lovely campus a couple of weeks ago.

There's been lots of big news the past two weeks. O got fired, Nutt got hired. Pillowgate. The presidential debates will make a Rebel appearance.

But the biggest news of all, ladies and gentlemen: LSU fans are as trashy as ever.

It all started when I walked to the Grove from my car Saturday morning, Grove chairs in arms, and found myself trailing behind a woman wearing a tiger print faux fur coat.

I saw lots of tiger print that day, but that didn't make it any less atrocious. She complimented her fugly wardrobe with a handbag that was - yep, you guessed it - purple and gold. The body of the bag was purple and I'm pretty sure the LSU tiger was embroidered on one side, complimented with gold piping, vom vom vom all over myself.

I had barely gotten over this disaster when I left my tent about 30 minutes later to go to the bathroom. On my way, I see faux fur tiger coat woman again. Except this time her outfit is complete. That's right, this time she's drinking what appears to be champagne out of a champagne glass that was adorned with "LSU! Geaux tigers!" around the rim, written in purple and gold paint pen.

I mean, seriously? You can't get much trashier than writing on a champagne glass with paint pen. I had to give this catastrophe a big LOLZ.

Moving on. It took me a while to get over her. But it only got worse. I'm sure many of you saw the LSU "pimps" walking around the Grove, complete with purple and gold canes and "pimp" cups.

I use that word very cautiously because they were so poorly dressed and obviously huge fools, thus suggesting only the trashiest of the trashy would ever want to be seen with them (READ: LSU girls).

I threw up in my mouth a little when I saw them walking by my tent. Then I heard the news that someone had come to visit our precious Grove equipped with a tent boasting a stripper pole in the middle.

I pretty much died inside. The fact that someone would come onto the Ole Miss campus, arguably the classiest and prettiest campus in the South, and have the audacity to set up a stripper pole in the Grove is disgusting. Trash, trash, trash.

You don't look cool. You look like fools. Let's be honest - the only stripping that will be going on is your stripping off your ridiculous outfits. Take your stripper pole and leave, seriously. This is not LSU. This is Ole Miss.

I'm sure where you come from, doing things like dressing like pimps and setting up a stripper pole in the middle of your yard is, like, so totally awesome. Here, it's just trash. Get out.

I have to give LSU fans their share of credit, though. It's not entirely their fault. The LSU colors are so heinous that it would be hard for them to wear them and somehow look cute.

I saw one girl do it though. She had on jeans (not appropriate for the Grove, but I'll let it slide), a royal purple top and a cropped yellow jacket. She looked cute. All by herself.

I have never been to the LSU campus during a football game, and I'm pretty sure I never want to go. I would probably die.

One thing is for sure: the last Grove really put things into perspective for me. Ole Miss fans no longer seem like the absolute fashion calamities they once did. Congratulations, y'all. We have some class. Who knew.

Oh, and one more thing. The "Geaux tigers! Kick their ass!" cheer is not only effing annoying, but also it's grammatically incorrect. "Their" is a plural possessive pronoun. "Ass" is obviously a singular noun. So it should be, "Kick their asses!" Not only do y'all dress trashy as hell, you're also ignorant. LOLZ!

Enjoy your break, y'all. Feel free to e-mail me with fashion concerns and questions.

Until then, majorly yours.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The best and worst of Turkey Day fashion

Two big things are coming up in all our lives.

One requires showing other people how much we absolutely hate them, and the other requires showing other people how much we love them.

I speak, of course, of the LSU game Saturday followed by the Thanksgiving break. Go to hell, LSU ... mmm turkey.

Sounds like a perfect week.

I've already drilled into you all how to dress for the Grove. I don't want to beat a dead horse so I will just say this: The high this Saturday is 63 degrees.

It will undoubtedly be the coolest Grove we've had so far this season, so don't be afraid of winter wear. It won't be cold enough for anything wool, probably, but don't fear sweaters (read: cardigans, capes for girls) or light jackets (read: suit jackets for guys).

Welcome the cool weather. Embrace it. And dress appropriately.

What I really want to focus on this week, however, is how to dress for Thanksgiving. A lot of people I know claim Thanksgiving as their favorite holiday.

I don't completely understand this because Thanksgiving is basically Christmas without the gifts.

Thanksgiving + presents + pretty tree with lights on it = Christmas = better. Duh.

However, since so many people love Thanksgiving so much, I want to dedicate a column to talking about Thanksgiving fashion. With all that food and drink waiting to be consumed, it's important to dress well, obvs.

I'm going to go ahead and instate a ban on elastic waistbands of all sorts. This includes pajamas.

Um, if you're going to stay home all day and gorge yourself on turkey and dressing, sweet potato casserole and pumpkin pie, you better dress well. You owe it to your excessiveness.

Going all out with the food? Go all out with your clothes. Dress for the dressing. Crucial.

As a side note, I will also like to instate a ban on wooden clogs. I saw a girl on campus the other day wearing some serious, hard core wooden clogs.

The soles were about three inches thick, and they looked like they probably could have been used as a lethal weapon.

If you want to keep one in your purse in case someone tries to mug you, that's one thing. Don't be caught dead with them on your feet, lord.


Same goes for Thanksgiving day. Don't wear clogs, obvi.

A good pair of flats or cute pumps will suffice for girls. For guys, boat shoes or dress shoes will work.

People often love to pull out the thick ribbed sweaters themed in fall colors for Thanksgiving day. Don't.

Ribbed sweaters only look good on Gisele. I have had my share of ribbed sweaters and none of them have ever really looked good on me.

Why? Because I'm not a size zero.

And if you're not either, stay away from ribbed.

Especially in crazy color schemes. Stick with solid color knits.

I'm out y'all. Time to start getting ready for the LSU game. And then one full week of sleeping. And eating.

Basically, heaven. Until then, majorly yours.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

The amazing world of Wal-Mart fashion

The attendance at the game Saturday was fewer than 24,000 people, which (rumor has it) was the lowest attendance in the SEC in recent memory.

Most people think it's because our football team is just plain bad, but in reality it's because people are tired of seeing khaki pants with Colonel Rebs all over them and Rebel flag neck ties.

If the fashion is that awful, and the football team is that bad, there literally is no reason to go to the game.

As such, I didn't go. At least I was in good (and large) company.

Since I wasn't in the Grove Saturday to critique fashion, I've decided to critique the fashion of another place everyone knows and loves dearly.

We all go there on a regular basis, and we all see the people who walk around looking like fools.

Go on a Saturday when there is an away game, and you'll see the real characters of Lafayette County come out of the woodwork.

To which magical place am I referring? None other than Wal-Mart.

I try my hardest to avoid Wal-Mart on the weekends, because I am literally frightened by the things I see when I go.

However, it could not be avoided this past weekend, and so I want to share some of the things I saw.

I'm pretty sure I saw a farmer. A true city girl at heart, I don't think I've ever actually seen a farmer in person before. Until Saturday.

He was pretty old, with lots of white hair and a big white beard.Easily confused with Santa Claus except for the fact that he was wearing a plaid short-sleeved button-up under denim overalls.

My memory is fuzzy, but I think he may also have been donning a straw wide-rim hat. The only thing that would have made the outfit complete would be one of those long things farmers like to chew on; I forget what they're called.

Next. The baggy faded T-shirt may as well be a requirement to go into Wal-Mart.

I saw a guy with a Mickey Mouse shirt on. Faux pas. No. 1.

It was way too big for him. No 2. It was faded and looked like it was probably dirty. No. 3.

And he was not alone. I understand that not everyone feels the urge to dress up to go to Wal-Mart. I know I certainly don't.

But if there's one thing I can't stand, it's baggy, faded T-shirts that are worn so thin you can basically see through them. Unless you're wearing it to bed, don't wear it.

There's just something about Wal-Mart that encourages people to slack off when it comes to fashion.

Including people like me who like to dress cutely as much as possible.

Even I am not beyond critique, so here it goes. On one recent trip to Wal-Mart, I wore gray pajama pants, a spaghetti strap undershirt and a T-shirt. No bra.

I'm sure many girls know, especially for us larger-chested females, going without a bra is the ultimate sign of "I don't care at all." Wal-Mart is the ultimate braless zone.

If I'm leaving my house without a bra, I'm probably headed to Wal-Mart.

Also, wearing pajamas out of the house is not okay. Unless you are going to Wal-Mart. Or it's exam week.

Other than that, if you've got pajamas on, you better be in bed or lounging around your house. Otherwise, no ma'am.

But maybe this is all part of the so-called charm of Wal-Mart.

It's not high-class.

It's a public place, but it doesn't require that you dress like you're going out in public. It welcomes everyone indiscriminately.

You can argue for whether or not these qualities are good, but I know I always feel comfortable in Wal-Mart.

Especially when I'm wearing pajamas.

Next week: LSU Grove preview.

It's the last home game of the season and the last home game of my Ole Miss career. Tear. Until then, majorly yours.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The rights and wrongs of dressing up for Halloween

It's Halloweeny time. It's the one day of the year when you can wear whatever you want and look as ridiculous as your heart desires, without fear of being critiqued.

Or so you thought.

I went to two Ween parties this weekend and, as such, am a virtual expert on Halloween fashion. Today is the actual holiday, so if you plan to dress up tonight, take heed please.

My number one pet peeve, right behind people who drive in the rain without their lights on, is girls who dress super skanky for Halloween.

I'm all about being sexy. I love short dresses and showing just the right amount of skin; but there is such a thing as too much skin.

I saw numerous girls this weekend - sexy nurses, sexy firefighters, sexy police officers, sexy soldiers (yes, it's true) - who typified the "Halloween is just an excuse for me to wear as little clothing as possible" mentality.

I can't exactly say that I wore a lot of clothing, but at least I disguised it as actually going as a character. (Victoria Beckham, to be exact.) It's the lack of creativity combined with the skankiness that bothers me.

At least I didn't see any girls in their underwear, which I definitely did last year. Lawd. Going as a "Victoria's Secret Angel" is bull - you're just going in your underwear. Let's be honest.

Moving on. I'm over baggy Halloween costumes. I mean, you get to be anything you want for one day out of 365. Why would you want to be someone who dresses badly?

I have written again and again about how icky baggy clothes are. So stop it. Yeah, I'm talking to you, brontosaurus. And you, lobster.

Also, I'm tired of being scared on Halloween. Don't wear super gross things that make me want to gag. Like all those masks that make it look like you have some sort of sharp instrument protruding from your forehead. Ick. Eek. So not hot.

Why would you want to look dead while you're walking around obviously quite alive? Stoopid.

The lamest is when people don't dress up for costume parties. If you're not going to dress up, don't go to the party. Or when people sort of half-ass their costumes and then when people ask them what they are, they kind of bumble around trying to figure out what they are. Lamezo.

Dress up for the party or don't go. Dress up to trick-or-treat or don't go. It's freaking Halloween. Go all out or don't go at all.

For all of you who are going out tonight: dress up, be safe, have fun. And please, steer clear of the fake blood, entrails, miscellaneous body parts, etc. etc.

Be fabulous or just stay home and eat candy. Which is beginning to sound pretty nice, actually. Mmmm, candy corn. Get it now before Wal-Mart runs out.

See you all next week. Until then, majorly yours.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Reader questions, club fashion and more

I'm back y'all. I went to Birmingham this past weekend to see "Phantom of the Opera." Amazing.

I've seen it twice before and once on Broadway, and this production was just as good, if not better, than the Broadway one I saw.

I only got one question after my appeal for reader questions last week.

Elise, a graduate student in communicative disorders, writes: "What would you recommend wearing as far as shoes and accessories with scrubs? I have to wear red or blue scrubs everyday and they are so boring. Any advice?"

I think it really depends on what your job is. Some places require you to wear closed-toe shoes, which I'm assuming your place of work probably does.

Tennis shoes would probably be the most comfortable, and since you are already decked out in scrubs, I'm guessing you're not too worried about messing up a cute outfit.

Tennis shoes would be fine.

However, if you do want to try something different and cute, shop online for some cute flats. Tory Burch offers a big selection of really cute (and very popular) flats, but they're a bit pricey - you are going to pay at least $200.

For something cheaper, try Their selection is enormous, so I'm sure you could find something you like. Some of their flats are fugly, but there are some gems.

Since I only received one question submission, I'll move on to talking about some faux pas I saw this weekend.

We went shopping (of course), and while out I saw a woman wearing a black-and-white printed sun dress that came to just below her knees.

It wasn't amazing, but it wasn't that awful either. My eyes panned down, and I saw she was wearing black high-heeled sandals. Fug.

What's worse? She paired them with nothing other than ankle socks, ladies and gentlemen. Ankle socks.

Not the kind you wear to work out, but the thin kind with the little fold at the top that come up to just above your ankle bone.

I literally stopped in my tracks.

What would possess her to wear socks with high heels and a short sundress?

I have seen thick wool socks paired with high heels and dress pants, and while I'm not a huge fan of that look, I can see how it could be pulled off.

But this? This was just wrong. She broke the cardinal rule of not wearing socks with sandals, and to add insult to severe injury, her sandals had three-inch heels. Vom vom vom vom vom.

Going out in downtown Birmingham is like a box of old, somewhat moldy, sketchy chocolates: you never know what you're going to get. We went to a club on the South side Saturday night and it was trashy-females central.

I'm talking heavy eyeliner, white eye shadow, bell-bottomed-jeans-circa-1997 trashy. It was awful, but it was also fun to sit in judgment. I'm not going to lie.

Several of these girls were donning the ever-so-popular faded, flared and too-tight jeans with a black studded belt and tank top. At the club.

What? I'm sure we all remember those belts with two rows of the little silver-lined holes all the way around them.

I too owned one. In middle school. The way the belted jeans sit cuts off the line of the body and makes people look shorter and fatter than they really are.

If you're wearing jeans to a club, they better be skinny jeans, and they better be paired with cute flats or, preferably, four-inch heels. Honestly.

And guys weren't dressed up or dressed out at all.

Much like the Grove, the favorite seemed to be polo with jeans or polo with khakis.

Or screen tee with ratty, holey jeans. Not much to say here other than "ew," so I'll move on.

Next week: Special Halloween edition! Halloween costumes are not exempt from scrutiny.

I'll be at a couple parties this weekend, and I'll be watching you, slutty nurse/princess/bunny rabbit.

Until then, majorly yours.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Grove fashion: Alabama game

If there's one thing I value in life - and I'm sure this will come as a shock to many of you - it's honesty.

So in all honesty, I confess to you that my memory of many of the fashion faux pas in the Grove this past Saturday is clouded. By pure, unadulterated anger.

Honestly, Doyle Jackson, striped shirts are going to be huge for the fall, but let's be honest - they only flatter certain body types. And yours ain't it, buddy.

You thought we threw ish on the field because you made a horrendous, erroneous, disgusting call at the end of the Alabama game? Psh.

The whole student section finally woke up and realized the walking fashion travesty that is Doyle Jackson. Vom.

Moving on. Speaking of patterns, I'll be the first to admit I love a good Burberry plaid piece. Scarves, wallets, rain coats with plaid lining. Loves them all.

However, it can be overdone. And Saturday, it was. In a huge way.

I saw a guy wearing Burberry plaid pants. Every last inch of these pants was covered with the classic Burberry plaid print, and unfortunately I couldn't avert my eyes.

It was just too much. Not to mention he paired it with a blue button-up, red blazer and red polka dot bow tie.

Really? Burberry, Ralph Lauren and Lacoste have charms all their own, but when it looks like you took a bath in all of them at once, the result is not good.

I did find some Burberry boxers online that are cute. Try that next time, and wear them underneath dress clothes, bud.

I would be lying if I said I have never worn flip-flops with a dress to the Grove. I have. But always as a reactionary measure after my feet started hurting from my heels, or as a precautionary measure when carrying heavy objects like coolers (locked of course) to and from our tent.

I would never just wear flip-flops. And I would never, ever wear flip-flops that didn't match.

I'm over Rainbows. Actually I'm not over the actual shoe so much as I am over the pull they have in the so-called fashion world of Ole Miss. You people love your Rainbows, and you love wearing them - no matter what.

If you are wearing a black dress, or even a pattern dress that has a lot of black in it, don't wear brown shoes. Duh. You look like a fool.

It can ruin a perfectly cute dress. It's so Ole Miss, which I guess is charming to a certain extent, but for the most part - nah. You just look ridiculous. Wear black flip-flops or, even better, buy some cute flats.

Speaking of matching, the shoes and the dress aren't the only key players. Your handbag should match as well.

I saw a girl wearing a disgustingly bright pattern dress with lots of neon greens and pinks, which in itself was mildly offensive but not that bad, and she was carrying a red bag.

The bag was cute and the dress was okay, but together they made my eyes hurt.

What possessed her to put that bag with that dress? Only the crazy neon pattern gods know the answer to that question.

I am going out of town this weekend, so no Grove recap next week, y'all.

I know, I know. Sad face. But let's try something new -submit your fashion questions to me, and I will answer some of them in next week's column. Anything you want to know, just e-mail me and I will respond in the column.


Until then, majorly yours.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Grove fashion: Homecoming recap

I never thought I would say it, but good job, y'all. In a nice reversal of roles, I actually saw a lot of well-dressed guys this past weekend. Or guys who at least made attempts to dress well.

I saw lots of dress jackets and even some full suits, which is commendable because it was hot. Quite. Good job, guys.

As for the girls, it was the usual. I saw several cute dresses and some that were less than impressive. Overall, though, good job. I don't have a whole lot of criticism this week.

Of course, y'all know that doesn't mean I have none.

If you have legs that are on the chunkier side, don't wear bubble dresses. The cut of the dress emphasizes the thickness of the leg even on girls with normal-sized legs. If you have thick thighs, avoid the bubble dress.

They are really popular right now, but so are baby doll dresses (although they are on their way out), and my personal favorite - the bag dress. Try one of those instead.

Another of my pet peeves is when people make an effort to dress up and then get drunk off their asses and somehow mess up their outfit beyond the point of recognition.

I saw a guy in the stadium Saturday who was wearing a necktie, a button-up and dress slacks, which would have been fine except that somehow his tie had become twisted and the skinny, short part of the tie that normally sits behind the visible section of the tie was in the front.

He was obvi wasted and about 10 minutes later I saw him being escorted down the stairs by a UPD officer who was carrying a flask. How ridick.

Another thing I've noticed in the Grove is a large number of wedge heels. Now, wedge heels are huge in the haute couture shows right now, but I am just not a fan. It's a rare occasion when to see a wedge I like.

Really popular right now are the wedges that cut toward the heel in the back to form an angle. I hate them. They break the line of the foot and thus the line of the leg, which heels serve to lengthen in the first place.

The cork platform wedges are the worst. I have seen a few of these since the season started, and it's time to put them away. Vom.

Oh! I saw a guy rocking the big sunglasses. The first one since I wrote about them several weeks ago. Yay for him.

Did he look gay? A little bit. Did he look good? Fo sho.

Next week: The Alabama game is going to be huge. Oh, and why is the game so damn early? Boo. I will keep my sleepy eyes open for the recap.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Bedazzling, tube socks and Crocs ... again

I know I made a promise last week never to mention Crocs again. It pains me to do so, but I feel my journalistic integrity might be compromised if I neglect to inform the general public of the crime I witnessed this weekend.

I went to Birmingham for the weekend, and there I went to a mall. In this mall, I saw a woman wearing denim shorts, socks and Army green Crocs. Not just any Army green Crocs. These Crocs were special. They were somehow ... different.

They were bedazzled.

My heart stopped. I felt myself sliding gradually toward oblivion. Then I saw a girl wearing an oversized sweatshirt sporting her favorite football team (not Ole Miss, BTW), a teeny denim skirt with lots of fringe and what appeared to be plaid board shoes.

All while attempting to pull off the Vicky B hair - and failing miserably. Poor thing.

But she made me forget momentarily about the Crocs, so I owe her my life. Thanks, betch.

If you have ever owned or presently own any articles of clothing that are bedazzled, bejeweled or be-(insert disgusting faux pas here)-ed, throw them away. Throw them all into a pile and then set that pile on fire. Bah. Shudder.

Back to Oxford. I don't recall ever seeing anything bedazzled on this campus, and I am thankful for that. However, I have seen numerous other affronts, so let's get started.

The other day I saw a guy wearing tube socks. Really? I thought we all left our tube socks back in 1998 gym class.

I know I rocked the tube socks every day in middle school. All the way up to my knees, baby. I also seem to recall rolling the tube socks down so they looked like little doughnuts around my ankles. That was cool for a minute.

Athletic socks in general are just not cute and, generally speaking, no one wants to see them. Wear ankle socks or, even better, not-socks. They're those teeny socks you can buy at Wal-Mart that don't show when you wear tennis shoes. Loves them.

Affront number two for this week: wearing printed underwear under white clothing. No ma'am. Or sir for that matter.

Whether it's a bra or panties or boxer briefs with a nifty polka dot pattern on them, I don't want to see it, and I really don't think anyone else does either. I'm all about fun undies, but keep them to yourself and maybe, like, one other person.

If you want to wear them to class, wear opaque clothing over them. If you want to wear a white T-shirt, wear a nude bra. Pretty basic.

Next. I saw a guy wearing tie-dye earlier this week. I own one tie-dye shirt, and it remains comfortably in the bottom of my T-shirt drawer. I might sleep in it sometimes. But I certainly don't wear it out in public. Come on, y'all.

Next week: More fall trends I love and, yep, the third Grove recap. The high for Saturday is 89 degrees. It's October. WTF.

Irregardless, it's Homecoming, arguably the dressiest Grove of the season. Pull out all the stops. I'll be watching bitchez.

Until then, majorly yours.

Got beef with Miss Blalock or want to vent about your own distaste for Crocs and other fashion faux pas?

Listen to the Rebel Radio Morning Show each Friday at 7 a.m. for a healthy dose of Hautey Toddy on the airwaves.

Tune in to 92.1 FM in Oxford and surrounding areas.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

More best and worst: Grove fashion

I feel that I should start my column this week with a disclaimer: I love college football. I really do.

And it's probably true that if it weren't for college football, the tradition of tailgating in the Grove on Saturdays wouldn't exist. However, if football didn't exist, I'm sure Ole Miss students and alumni alike would find other reasons to get together, eat, drink and be merry.

The Grove is not about football. If it were about football and football only, people wouldn't dress up. They wouldn't even attempt to dress up. Just like on nearly every other college campus in the country, people would wear T-shirts and jean shorts and paint their faces red slash blue in obvious support of our team. But they don't.

Instead people wear expensive dresses and deck their tents with elaborate flower arrangements and chandeliers. Why? Because the Grove isn't about football. It's about getting together with people you love and having a good time. Oh, and (gasp) it's about fashion.

If people didn't make any attempt whatsoever to dress up, guess who wouldn't be critiquing them? This girl.

However, because the tradition is to dress up, and because people continue to at least make attempts to do so, I will continue to write about the awful things I see. And this week there's plenty to write about.

First off, last week I talked about ensuring that the clothes you wear fit properly. Not only is it true that no one wants to see all your junk, but also that no one wants to see evidence of your undies.

Quatra boob? No. Panty lines? A big no. Especially in the Grove. I saw numerous silk and satin dresses (often the worst when it comes to showing panty lines) that showed every nook and cranny created by underwear. Either buy seamless underwear or buy a dress that fits better. It's not that hard.

I know you're sick of hearing me rage against Crocs, and I'm uber sick of writing about them. So one more mention of these affronts on fashion and I promise (pinky swear) never to mention them again.

Maybe the reason the football team can't seem to get their ish together has nothing to do with actually coaching or playing football. Maybe the Ole Miss gods are just pissed off because they saw Crocs in the Grove Saturday. Not just Crocs, but red Crocs with a blue strap. Vom. I'm just sayin'.

I don't recall seeing any embroidered Colonel Rebs on khaki pants this Grove. Yay for that. However, I did see embroidered navy blue "M"s on bright red pants. Only slightly better than the aforementioned fad but still offensive.

Here's a good rule: If you bought it in a Rebel bookstore or that section of Wal-Mart where they sell shakers and Ole Miss wall clocks: Do. Not. Wear. It.

I want to instate a ban on backward caps of any kind in the Grove. I saw a dude wearing a backward visor on Saturday. Really? I didn't even notice the rest of his ensemble because I couldn't force myself to look away from the visor. The backward visor.

The whole point of visors is to shade your face from the sun while keeping your head cool. So wearing it backward is totally pointless and looks dumb. Forget frattastic, this guy just looked craptastic.

I was talking to a friend of mine this weekend who goes to Wake Forest, another school notorious for dressing up for football games, and he said that guys always wear a jacket and tie, or at least a tie and a button-up if it's really hot outside.

Having been to numerous Groves in my student career, I have noticed a distinct inconsistency of dress among the men and women who attend.

Women always dress up. I could count on one hand the number of girls I saw wearing something remotely casual on Saturday. However, I would need more digits than my hands and feet can offer to count the number of males I saw dressed casually.

Donning a polo and khaki shorts does not count as dressing up. It just doesn't. Nor does wearing a suit with flip-flops.Wear dress shoes, and wear (at the very least) a button-up. A necktie is preferable.

And when fall arrives, I do expect to see dress jackets.

Next week: fashion police part two. I'm keeping my eyes open bitchez. Until then, majorly yours.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Taking on chunky shoes, Oxford heels and the latest fall fashions

This week, I've decided to combine fashion police and fall fashion trends. Sort of a what-not-to-do followed by a what-to-do list.

The Grove is this weekend, and even though it's going to be 90 degrees outside, you might want to try some of the trends I mention. Especially the shoes. Mmm shoes.

First of all, the other day I was walking to class and saw a girl wearing an Ole Miss T-shirt, a pair of black athletic shorts and black Crocs.

I'm pretty sure my heart stopped for a second when I saw these heinous excuses for "shoes."

What? Crocs are bad enough, but... black Crocs? It looked like she lost her feet to two small black holes. No ma'am. I wish her luck in finding them.

Speaking of Crocs, it was in the news this week that these abominations don't mix well with escalators, as people keep getting their toes caught in the moving stairs and injuring themselves. Well, duh. The toes on them are large enough to house a small family.

Crocs don't mix well with escalators, true. Let's be honest. They don't mix well with life.

Moving on. I also saw a girl wearing chunk-a-munk shoes, straight out of the 1994 Hot Topic catalog. I'm talking 4-inch platforms in the front, 5-inch heels in the back. Same deal as with the Crocs - your feet look enormous.

I suppose they would have been handy if you needed to knock somebody out with a swift kick to the face or squish a large crustacean.

Otherwise, it's time to put them away. Forever. Forever ever.

Another trend I've noticed on campus for girls and guys both is that of obnoxious screen tees. Everyone's got something to say, and it seems that some people deem it appropriate to put their opinions right there on their T-shirts.

It's hard to have a conversation with someone who has "My boyfriend's better than yours" sprawled across her chest in comic sans. These have got to go.

My personal favorite: "B is for Biatch." It's horrible, but let's be honest: I'd wear it. Because I'm just that much of a B.

Guys - stop it with the camo. I noticed in one of my classes the other day that at least three people were wearing camo somewhere on their person. Why?

Our country may be at war, but you're sitting in a chair in a classroom in Mississippi. Stop it. It doesn't make you invisible - unfortunately.

Moving on to trends. Two of my favorite trends for the upcoming fall season (and two you can start wearing now, even though it's hot as hell outside) are the cape and the two-toned pump.

A cape is just what it sounds like. Not super hero style, but Belle in Disney's "Beauty and the Beast" style. She rocked the cape, and now it's coming back. They come in all different varieties - short-sleeve (appropriate for this warm weather), long-sleeve, mid-waist length and mid-thigh length.

For the longer and thicker versions, we'll have to wait another month or so here in Mississippi. For the shorter, lighter versions, I say go for it.

Two-toned pumps have got to be one of my favorite. Things. Ever.

Black and white pumps are quite popular, which is fine with me. Black pumps with white toe caps and vice versa seem to be especially hot right now.

My personal favorites are Oxford lace-up pumps. Yes, yes, yes. They look just like the men's version of the shoe, but typically have high stiletto heels and pointy toes.

They also coincide with the "girl clothes that look like boy clothes" trend I think is also going to be big this fall. So hot.

Next week: Grove recap (for the love of God, the only thing I ask of you is to leave embroidered Colonel Reb at home or, preferably, in the trash) and more fall fashion trends. Until then, majorly yours.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Recap: the good, the bad and the ugly of Grove fashion

Let me start this week by saying that I saw a decent amount of cute women's fashion in the Grove Saturday. I saw pair after pair of metallic platform pumps (yum) and several cute dresses. And very few strands of pearls! Maybe last week I actually reached some people. But you can't reach everyone. Obvi.

Just walking from my car to the Grove at noon, I saw so many guys wearing red polo shirts with khaki pants (or shorts ... behhh) that I wanted to vom. If you want to wear red to support the football team, I'm all about that. But be unique and, for God's sake, make an effort to be at least a little dressy. This is the Grove on game day. Yes, it's hot as hell outside. If I can wear a cocktail dress and four-inch heels, you can wear dress pants and a nice shirt. Don't play.

Remember what I said about stilettos? I wasn't kidding. I saw numerous girls walking around in their four-inch heels like their feet were killing them. But at least they were making an effort, because I saw even more girls walking around barefoot carrying their pumps in their hands. WTF? Barefoot? In the stadium? Really?

It defeats the purpose of wearing cute shoes if you're not going to ... wear them. I have walked the streets of New York City barefoot (another story for another day), and even I would hesitate to prance around in that stadium barefoot. Ew.

Three words: red khaki pants. No. Just no.

Oh. My. God. Those khaki pants with little embroidered Colonel Rebs all over them? Nu-uh. If I were God, I would spontaneously combust every. Last. Pair. In. Existence. I would much rather you wear those plaid shorts I hate than these heinous monstrosities. I iz afraid.

Another thing I discussed in a previous column that I saw quite a lot of this past Saturday: It's so important to wear clothes that fit. I saw one skirt/top combination that fit so poorly I literally think the poor girl would have looked better naked. She wasn't even that overweight - she just needed a lot of help figuring out how to find clothes that aren't too tight.

All you have to do is look in the mirror, and be honest with yourself. If it doesn't look good, that's OK, just go find something else to put on. That's what the rest of us do; surely it's not beyond your capabilities as well.

Things were pretty non-offensive in the Grove, aside from all the stuff I just mentioned, and I was pleasantly surprised. Then I went to the game.

Sitting (rather, standing) in the student section, you see a bunch of things you'd rather not see, fashion and otherwise. I saw four girls in a row wearing white dresses. Um, it's Sept. 8, which is precisely five days after Labor Day. White = no.

I also saw way too many floral patterns. I actually liked some of them, but literally every other girl who walked by seemed to be donning flowers. Some of them were pretty, but by the end of the game (or halftime, when I chunked a deuce), I was over it. Wear floral prints in spring, not late Summer.

As far as guys were concerned, I probably saw one really well-dressed male in the stadium, other than IDK my BFF. Other than that, eh. Guys, come on. Go back and read my column from last week and avoid the things I mentioned in this one.

Recap: no red cotton polos, no red khaki pants and no Colonel Reb embroideries. If I never saw any of these transgressions again, it would be too soon.

Next week: pre-Grove No. 2 and the first week of campus fashion police. Until then, majorly yours.

Friday, September 7, 2007

A guide to Grove fashion

It's Grove time, bitchez.

In terms of fashion, that means hordes of freshwomen (and some upperclasswomen) will descend upon the Square in hopes of spending lots of mummy and daddy's money to find that perfect dress.

And for what? To sit around in the heat in a tent eating crustless cucumber sandwiches and drinking any number of alcoholic beverages from anything but alcoholic beverage containers (as per the new alcohol policy).

I used to think this whole charade was so stupid. Getting all dressed up to sit around, sweat a lot and get drunko. But that was when I was still the sad, closeted fashionista I used to be.

Now I look forward to the Grove on game days for several reasons. The band. The Rebelettes (my fave!). The food. The G&T. But most of all I can't wait to write about all the foolish things I see people wearing.

Whenever I'm in a large crowd of people who are supposed to be dressed well, my fashioney sense goes into hyperdrive. It's like spidey sense, only bitchier.

But before I open up a can on Saturday (of whoop ass, not beer -calm down UPD), I feel it's only fair to give you all some preemptive Grove advice.

Guys, you already know what I'm going to say. Ditch the bowtie. If you must wear a tie, which is an effort I fully support, go with a full-length necktie. A skinny one if you're really bold.

Pair it with a nice long-sleeved button-up (sleeves rolled up for comfort), a pair of well-fitting dress pants and some dress shoes, and you're good to go. Mmmm.

Oh, and stay away from pastel plaids, or any patterns for that matter, especially on the lower half of your body. Do not wear shorts. Do not wear plaid shorts. You know the ones I'm referring to - it looks like Ralph Lauren vomed on your crotch. Not cute.

Girls, there are several rules of thumb for Grove style. First of all, you're going to be walking around in a large muddy pit of grass. As far as I'm willing to go for a pair of fabulous stilettos, I hate to see girls hobbling around in the mud because their heels are getting stuck in the moist (ew) ground.

I've been there. You look so awkward just trying to walk that it detracts from the hotness of the heels you are wearing. Unless you're sure you will be sitting during the whole Grove experience, opt for some lower or chunkier heels, or just wear flats.

Don't wear anything too expensive. Lolz! Yeah, right. Spend as much money as you want to, but you should know that you are likely to get a nice big vodka-cranberry stain on your dress or a grass stain from that drunken tumble you took over a tree root. So go ahead and wear that $800 dress - just don't expect to wear it again. Ever.

I'm over pearls. Everyone knows you have money. Unless there is something remarkably different about your strand of pearls, leave them at home and opt for something that will set you apart.

I touched on this in my first column, but I think it's important enough to reiterate: be expressive. Wear what you want to wear and don't worry about what everyone else in the Grove is going to think of you.

Most everyone is going to be dressed similarly (read: BORING); escape the herd mentality. Be a boss, and do what you want. If I want to wear my ghetto gold "M" necklace to the Grove, I'm gonna. Just do it. But remember: Be fab always. And have fun!

Next week: the Grove in review. Until then, majorly yours.

P.S. Girls, as far as the dress is concerned, just be cute. Avoid anything too formal and stay away from tacky prom. I'll be watching you.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

This week in fashion

And I'm back. I'm finished sifting through all the hate mail from last week's column. (Remember the bow tie critique? Didn't go over so well.)

And, with my self-confidence fully intact (because, yes, you still look like a fool), I'm ready to share with you some of the things I love. It's not nearly as much fun as writing about the stuff I hate, but it's just as important to discuss. It's probably more constructive as well.

First, for girls: shirtdresses. This schpeel is going to sound super redundant (ha?) to my dear friends, who know I own one and know how much I love it. Because I pretty much talk about it all the time. And wear it. Probably too much. See mugshot.

The term "shirtdress" covers a number of different styles; there are knee-length shirtdresses with long sleeves, super-short shirtdresses with short sleeves and pretty much everything in between. I don't love the longer shirtdresses, because they tend to look prudish to me, but I love love love short shirtdresses with long sleeves that you can roll up. It's basically an oversized man's shirt worn by a woman. So hot.

Actually, I love when women wear men's clothes in general and then make it feminine by adding the right accessories (Read: Sky high stilettos). It's. So. Hot. I got mine from H&M, but I have also found them at Gap, Forever 21 and even the Victoria's Secret Web site.

Next, for guys: Manpris. No, not really. Ugh. They bug me. No, honestly, I spent hours thinking about what I wanted to write about for men's fashion. And, considering that, for the most part, my male readers know about fashion from seeing all the stuff their girlfriends buy on the Square, I decided to go with something very, very basic. All guys should wear clothes that fit.

I am a big proponent of tailored clothing for guys. I hate baggy T-shirts. I hate cargo pants, or any of those baggy-ass pants guys seem to love to wear. Tailored clothing is very big for the upcoming Spring season, and for good reason. It looks hot. Now, some will argue that the tailored suits, shirts and jeans you see on the runway only look good on skinny people.

And for the most part, that's true. I'm not particularly skinny, but there is a reason both male and female runway models tend to be ridiculously skinny: the clothes look better on them.

You don't have to be a size two (or a waist 30 for guys), but if you want to try wearing something tailored, please, for the love, try it on and look in the mirror before you buy. If it looks good, it looks good. If it looks just okay, it looks bad. Go for something not so tailored, but still well-fitting. Bottom line: If you are thin, go tailored. If you aren't thin, still go well-fitting. Everyone: Baggy sux.

Something for guys and girls: big ass sunglasses. Now, my fondness for big sunglasses is very situation-specific. The sunglasses have to be right for your face and they have to be fabulous; not some big ole ugly shades from Wal-Mart with colored rhinestones and some (not so) clever adaptation of "Gucci" written on the stems.

Also, being that I walk around campus everyday and see pair after pair of the same DGs, Chanels and Diors (Read: FAKE FAKE FAKE), I am close to disregarding them as an obnoxious and overdone trend that I would rather dismiss than show love to.

And the truth is that most of those sunglasses are fugly - you know, the ones with the big DG in white letters on a black frame, or the ones with the big white interlocking Coco Chanel logo on a black frame with some rhinestones splashed here and there. I'm. So. Over. It. But, big sunglasses that are unique and look super hot? Love it.

And, yes, you will notice that I said I love this trend for guys and girls. And not just gay guys. In fact, if it's true that gay guys are well-known for their fabulous fashion choices, sunglasses and all, then more straight men should dress like them. Don't worry about looking gay. Worry about looking fabulous.

If you're straight, you're straight. We can tell. And by "we," I mean every female on this campus. If you look good, you will just stand out that much more as a not-so-boring straight guy. Really - honestly - most of you have nothing to lose. Sport the big shades.

Next week: The first football game preview, ohmigod! What to wear, what I'm sick of. Until then, majorly yours.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Camouflage? Bowties? Uh, no.

When I told my mother that my dream job is to be an editor at Vogue magazine, she rolled her eyes and said, "You can do so much more."

And when I told her I was going to write this column, she sighed and said, "Just be sure you make it intelligent."
I think that's a step in the right direction.

I love fashion. There, I said it. I can have a discussion with you about Nietzsche's concept of the ubermensch or the effects of the patriarchal nature of American society on college-age females, and probably even hold a decent conversation in Spanish.

But, as a senior here at Ole Miss, as I embark on my final year of schooling that includes writing a thesis, managing a daily student newspaper, taking 16 hours of class a semester, and somehow making time for a social life, I can think of no better time to come out.

Yes, for years, I have been a closeted fashion freak.

So, in the most public way possible in Oxford, I am revealing myself. I will no longer be ashamed. I love fashion.

I also think I have an eye for it. I have no formal training; I have never taken a fashion merchandising class. But I tend to believe that, really, at its very base, fashion isn't that complicated. It's like one of my dance teachers once told me: "If it looks good, it is good." And I can tell when something looks good. Or doesn't. It's not that hard.

For me, fashion should be two things without fail: fun and fabulous. It can be other things. Bold. Classy. Funky. You name it. But, if it's good, it has to be fun. And it has to be fabulous.

I have rarely seen something I consider fabulous without also thinking it was, on some level, fun. But I see fun without fabulous all the time. And it's rarely good.

To my mother, who I love and respect more than anyone in the world, I would say this: Fashion isn't as shallow as you might think. Done right, it is a reflection of who you are - the things you like to do, how you want to represent yourself among the masses, what you think of yourself.

Yes, fashion, I would argue, can be quite an ontological matter. (Look it up.)

When I critique certain "fashions," as I certainly will, it's not just a critique on the way something looks. It reflects my general dislike or disinterest in what that particular fashion statement represents.

Don't get offended. Or do, if you want. It's just my opinion. We can't all like everything; it's impossible. I don't expect everyone to appreciate everything I wear.

As such, I'm going to start by discussing basic things I hate. And why. First on the list: Crocs. Yeah, those rubber shoes with the holes in them. A prime example of why liking and disliking fashion is deeper than just saying, "I don't like them because they're ugly."

I have no intention of wading into a river to possibly catch a fish or a snake or something of the like - ever. Sure, I like nature. I go to the Grove, like, every other weekend. Also, I don't have a garden to tend. And neither do you, overweight middle-aged man in the mall wearing a Led Zeppelin T-shirt, baggy carpenter jeans and Crocs. Neither do you. Also, they're fugly.

Next on the list: camouflage. Another great example. I hate hunting. I have no desire to hunt anything - ever. No turkey, no deer, no doves. Who hunts doves? My ex-boyfriend, that's who.

Camouflaged clothing belongs in the woods, or Iraq or Afghanistan. Maybe Pakistan if Barack Obama gets his way, but not when you are walking around the Square. I have strange pyromaniac urges when I see someone wearing camouflage and then I look around and see no woods. Or sand dunes. Possibly even no trees at all.

Stop it. Stop it with the camouflage. And I can't forget-it, too, is fugly.

Last but not least: bowties. I know, I know. I'm striking at a crucial preppy vein here in Oxford. If I had a dollar for every time I saw a dude wearing a bowtie in the Grove pre-football game, I would be flipping rich. (Thus fitting right in!)

You don't look cool. You look like an ass. Especially the ones with polka-dots or stripes or something equally atrocious. True, it's a time-honored tradition and I'm sure your daddy bought you that bowtie and taught you how to tie it. How sweet. My daddy is in the military; he wears camouflage on a regular basis. I hope I've made my point?

Next week: Stuff I love. It can't all be negative. Until then, majorly yours.
(P.S. Yes, I know how to pronounce "haute.")