Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The rights and wrongs of dressing up for Halloween

It's Halloweeny time. It's the one day of the year when you can wear whatever you want and look as ridiculous as your heart desires, without fear of being critiqued.

Or so you thought.

I went to two Ween parties this weekend and, as such, am a virtual expert on Halloween fashion. Today is the actual holiday, so if you plan to dress up tonight, take heed please.

My number one pet peeve, right behind people who drive in the rain without their lights on, is girls who dress super skanky for Halloween.

I'm all about being sexy. I love short dresses and showing just the right amount of skin; but there is such a thing as too much skin.

I saw numerous girls this weekend - sexy nurses, sexy firefighters, sexy police officers, sexy soldiers (yes, it's true) - who typified the "Halloween is just an excuse for me to wear as little clothing as possible" mentality.

I can't exactly say that I wore a lot of clothing, but at least I disguised it as actually going as a character. (Victoria Beckham, to be exact.) It's the lack of creativity combined with the skankiness that bothers me.

At least I didn't see any girls in their underwear, which I definitely did last year. Lawd. Going as a "Victoria's Secret Angel" is bull - you're just going in your underwear. Let's be honest.

Moving on. I'm over baggy Halloween costumes. I mean, you get to be anything you want for one day out of 365. Why would you want to be someone who dresses badly?

I have written again and again about how icky baggy clothes are. So stop it. Yeah, I'm talking to you, brontosaurus. And you, lobster.

Also, I'm tired of being scared on Halloween. Don't wear super gross things that make me want to gag. Like all those masks that make it look like you have some sort of sharp instrument protruding from your forehead. Ick. Eek. So not hot.

Why would you want to look dead while you're walking around obviously quite alive? Stoopid.

The lamest is when people don't dress up for costume parties. If you're not going to dress up, don't go to the party. Or when people sort of half-ass their costumes and then when people ask them what they are, they kind of bumble around trying to figure out what they are. Lamezo.

Dress up for the party or don't go. Dress up to trick-or-treat or don't go. It's freaking Halloween. Go all out or don't go at all.

For all of you who are going out tonight: dress up, be safe, have fun. And please, steer clear of the fake blood, entrails, miscellaneous body parts, etc. etc.

Be fabulous or just stay home and eat candy. Which is beginning to sound pretty nice, actually. Mmmm, candy corn. Get it now before Wal-Mart runs out.

See you all next week. Until then, majorly yours.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Reader questions, club fashion and more

I'm back y'all. I went to Birmingham this past weekend to see "Phantom of the Opera." Amazing.

I've seen it twice before and once on Broadway, and this production was just as good, if not better, than the Broadway one I saw.

I only got one question after my appeal for reader questions last week.

Elise, a graduate student in communicative disorders, writes: "What would you recommend wearing as far as shoes and accessories with scrubs? I have to wear red or blue scrubs everyday and they are so boring. Any advice?"

I think it really depends on what your job is. Some places require you to wear closed-toe shoes, which I'm assuming your place of work probably does.

Tennis shoes would probably be the most comfortable, and since you are already decked out in scrubs, I'm guessing you're not too worried about messing up a cute outfit.

Tennis shoes would be fine.

However, if you do want to try something different and cute, shop online for some cute flats. Tory Burch offers a big selection of really cute (and very popular) flats, but they're a bit pricey - you are going to pay at least $200.

For something cheaper, try Their selection is enormous, so I'm sure you could find something you like. Some of their flats are fugly, but there are some gems.

Since I only received one question submission, I'll move on to talking about some faux pas I saw this weekend.

We went shopping (of course), and while out I saw a woman wearing a black-and-white printed sun dress that came to just below her knees.

It wasn't amazing, but it wasn't that awful either. My eyes panned down, and I saw she was wearing black high-heeled sandals. Fug.

What's worse? She paired them with nothing other than ankle socks, ladies and gentlemen. Ankle socks.

Not the kind you wear to work out, but the thin kind with the little fold at the top that come up to just above your ankle bone.

I literally stopped in my tracks.

What would possess her to wear socks with high heels and a short sundress?

I have seen thick wool socks paired with high heels and dress pants, and while I'm not a huge fan of that look, I can see how it could be pulled off.

But this? This was just wrong. She broke the cardinal rule of not wearing socks with sandals, and to add insult to severe injury, her sandals had three-inch heels. Vom vom vom vom vom.

Going out in downtown Birmingham is like a box of old, somewhat moldy, sketchy chocolates: you never know what you're going to get. We went to a club on the South side Saturday night and it was trashy-females central.

I'm talking heavy eyeliner, white eye shadow, bell-bottomed-jeans-circa-1997 trashy. It was awful, but it was also fun to sit in judgment. I'm not going to lie.

Several of these girls were donning the ever-so-popular faded, flared and too-tight jeans with a black studded belt and tank top. At the club.

What? I'm sure we all remember those belts with two rows of the little silver-lined holes all the way around them.

I too owned one. In middle school. The way the belted jeans sit cuts off the line of the body and makes people look shorter and fatter than they really are.

If you're wearing jeans to a club, they better be skinny jeans, and they better be paired with cute flats or, preferably, four-inch heels. Honestly.

And guys weren't dressed up or dressed out at all.

Much like the Grove, the favorite seemed to be polo with jeans or polo with khakis.

Or screen tee with ratty, holey jeans. Not much to say here other than "ew," so I'll move on.

Next week: Special Halloween edition! Halloween costumes are not exempt from scrutiny.

I'll be at a couple parties this weekend, and I'll be watching you, slutty nurse/princess/bunny rabbit.

Until then, majorly yours.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Grove fashion: Alabama game

If there's one thing I value in life - and I'm sure this will come as a shock to many of you - it's honesty.

So in all honesty, I confess to you that my memory of many of the fashion faux pas in the Grove this past Saturday is clouded. By pure, unadulterated anger.

Honestly, Doyle Jackson, striped shirts are going to be huge for the fall, but let's be honest - they only flatter certain body types. And yours ain't it, buddy.

You thought we threw ish on the field because you made a horrendous, erroneous, disgusting call at the end of the Alabama game? Psh.

The whole student section finally woke up and realized the walking fashion travesty that is Doyle Jackson. Vom.

Moving on. Speaking of patterns, I'll be the first to admit I love a good Burberry plaid piece. Scarves, wallets, rain coats with plaid lining. Loves them all.

However, it can be overdone. And Saturday, it was. In a huge way.

I saw a guy wearing Burberry plaid pants. Every last inch of these pants was covered with the classic Burberry plaid print, and unfortunately I couldn't avert my eyes.

It was just too much. Not to mention he paired it with a blue button-up, red blazer and red polka dot bow tie.

Really? Burberry, Ralph Lauren and Lacoste have charms all their own, but when it looks like you took a bath in all of them at once, the result is not good.

I did find some Burberry boxers online that are cute. Try that next time, and wear them underneath dress clothes, bud.

I would be lying if I said I have never worn flip-flops with a dress to the Grove. I have. But always as a reactionary measure after my feet started hurting from my heels, or as a precautionary measure when carrying heavy objects like coolers (locked of course) to and from our tent.

I would never just wear flip-flops. And I would never, ever wear flip-flops that didn't match.

I'm over Rainbows. Actually I'm not over the actual shoe so much as I am over the pull they have in the so-called fashion world of Ole Miss. You people love your Rainbows, and you love wearing them - no matter what.

If you are wearing a black dress, or even a pattern dress that has a lot of black in it, don't wear brown shoes. Duh. You look like a fool.

It can ruin a perfectly cute dress. It's so Ole Miss, which I guess is charming to a certain extent, but for the most part - nah. You just look ridiculous. Wear black flip-flops or, even better, buy some cute flats.

Speaking of matching, the shoes and the dress aren't the only key players. Your handbag should match as well.

I saw a girl wearing a disgustingly bright pattern dress with lots of neon greens and pinks, which in itself was mildly offensive but not that bad, and she was carrying a red bag.

The bag was cute and the dress was okay, but together they made my eyes hurt.

What possessed her to put that bag with that dress? Only the crazy neon pattern gods know the answer to that question.

I am going out of town this weekend, so no Grove recap next week, y'all.

I know, I know. Sad face. But let's try something new -submit your fashion questions to me, and I will answer some of them in next week's column. Anything you want to know, just e-mail me and I will respond in the column.


Until then, majorly yours.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Grove fashion: Homecoming recap

I never thought I would say it, but good job, y'all. In a nice reversal of roles, I actually saw a lot of well-dressed guys this past weekend. Or guys who at least made attempts to dress well.

I saw lots of dress jackets and even some full suits, which is commendable because it was hot. Quite. Good job, guys.

As for the girls, it was the usual. I saw several cute dresses and some that were less than impressive. Overall, though, good job. I don't have a whole lot of criticism this week.

Of course, y'all know that doesn't mean I have none.

If you have legs that are on the chunkier side, don't wear bubble dresses. The cut of the dress emphasizes the thickness of the leg even on girls with normal-sized legs. If you have thick thighs, avoid the bubble dress.

They are really popular right now, but so are baby doll dresses (although they are on their way out), and my personal favorite - the bag dress. Try one of those instead.

Another of my pet peeves is when people make an effort to dress up and then get drunk off their asses and somehow mess up their outfit beyond the point of recognition.

I saw a guy in the stadium Saturday who was wearing a necktie, a button-up and dress slacks, which would have been fine except that somehow his tie had become twisted and the skinny, short part of the tie that normally sits behind the visible section of the tie was in the front.

He was obvi wasted and about 10 minutes later I saw him being escorted down the stairs by a UPD officer who was carrying a flask. How ridick.

Another thing I've noticed in the Grove is a large number of wedge heels. Now, wedge heels are huge in the haute couture shows right now, but I am just not a fan. It's a rare occasion when to see a wedge I like.

Really popular right now are the wedges that cut toward the heel in the back to form an angle. I hate them. They break the line of the foot and thus the line of the leg, which heels serve to lengthen in the first place.

The cork platform wedges are the worst. I have seen a few of these since the season started, and it's time to put them away. Vom.

Oh! I saw a guy rocking the big sunglasses. The first one since I wrote about them several weeks ago. Yay for him.

Did he look gay? A little bit. Did he look good? Fo sho.

Next week: The Alabama game is going to be huge. Oh, and why is the game so damn early? Boo. I will keep my sleepy eyes open for the recap.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Bedazzling, tube socks and Crocs ... again

I know I made a promise last week never to mention Crocs again. It pains me to do so, but I feel my journalistic integrity might be compromised if I neglect to inform the general public of the crime I witnessed this weekend.

I went to Birmingham for the weekend, and there I went to a mall. In this mall, I saw a woman wearing denim shorts, socks and Army green Crocs. Not just any Army green Crocs. These Crocs were special. They were somehow ... different.

They were bedazzled.

My heart stopped. I felt myself sliding gradually toward oblivion. Then I saw a girl wearing an oversized sweatshirt sporting her favorite football team (not Ole Miss, BTW), a teeny denim skirt with lots of fringe and what appeared to be plaid board shoes.

All while attempting to pull off the Vicky B hair - and failing miserably. Poor thing.

But she made me forget momentarily about the Crocs, so I owe her my life. Thanks, betch.

If you have ever owned or presently own any articles of clothing that are bedazzled, bejeweled or be-(insert disgusting faux pas here)-ed, throw them away. Throw them all into a pile and then set that pile on fire. Bah. Shudder.

Back to Oxford. I don't recall ever seeing anything bedazzled on this campus, and I am thankful for that. However, I have seen numerous other affronts, so let's get started.

The other day I saw a guy wearing tube socks. Really? I thought we all left our tube socks back in 1998 gym class.

I know I rocked the tube socks every day in middle school. All the way up to my knees, baby. I also seem to recall rolling the tube socks down so they looked like little doughnuts around my ankles. That was cool for a minute.

Athletic socks in general are just not cute and, generally speaking, no one wants to see them. Wear ankle socks or, even better, not-socks. They're those teeny socks you can buy at Wal-Mart that don't show when you wear tennis shoes. Loves them.

Affront number two for this week: wearing printed underwear under white clothing. No ma'am. Or sir for that matter.

Whether it's a bra or panties or boxer briefs with a nifty polka dot pattern on them, I don't want to see it, and I really don't think anyone else does either. I'm all about fun undies, but keep them to yourself and maybe, like, one other person.

If you want to wear them to class, wear opaque clothing over them. If you want to wear a white T-shirt, wear a nude bra. Pretty basic.

Next. I saw a guy wearing tie-dye earlier this week. I own one tie-dye shirt, and it remains comfortably in the bottom of my T-shirt drawer. I might sleep in it sometimes. But I certainly don't wear it out in public. Come on, y'all.

Next week: More fall trends I love and, yep, the third Grove recap. The high for Saturday is 89 degrees. It's October. WTF.

Irregardless, it's Homecoming, arguably the dressiest Grove of the season. Pull out all the stops. I'll be watching bitchez.

Until then, majorly yours.

Got beef with Miss Blalock or want to vent about your own distaste for Crocs and other fashion faux pas?

Listen to the Rebel Radio Morning Show each Friday at 7 a.m. for a healthy dose of Hautey Toddy on the airwaves.

Tune in to 92.1 FM in Oxford and surrounding areas.