Thursday, January 31, 2008

Sickness fashion

Here's the thing, y'all. I'm sick. I've been sick since the end of last week.

I spent all day in bed Saturday, dead to the world, feverish and sore and unable to eat or drink. I actually haven't eaten a real meal since Friday night, and even then it was a small one. I'm not vomming or anything, I just have no appetite.

In addition, I've noticed that about half the people I know are also sick.

There are varying degrees of sickness: some can go to class and work while maintaining a regular hacking noise consistent with the black lung, others just lay in bed immobile for a couple of days and drink lots of orange juice. Tomayto, tomahto.

As a result, I decided to write my column this week on sick fashion. Even if you feel like death, you better look fierce. Like fierce, fierce death.

You're still in the running towards becoming America's Next Hottest Sick Person.

You have the flu. Or the black lung. You already missed this class twice. If you miss it again your grade will drop by five points. You muster the energy to get out of bed and trudge to class through the probably disgusting, cold, rainy, windy Oxford weather.

If you're lucky your roommate slash best friend slash significant other has offered you a ride to class. But the big question still remains: What do you wear?

A trip to the student health center will tell you that the appropriate sick outfit is pajama pants, T-shirt, sweatshirt and a general look of disgust and/or wanting to die.

A face mask might also be appropriate if you have flu-like symptoms. Our busiest hours are from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. each day of the week.

However, I say that fashion standards don't change just because you feel like dying. You might be hunched over trying to avoid either coughing up a lung or vomiting into your hand, but you better look fabulous while doing it.

You show that flu who's boss by rocking those platform pumps and skinny jeans.

Going to class in pajamas is not acceptable. Also unacceptable?

Wearing that awful deadpan look on your face while you're sick. Come on, y'all. Perk up. Maybe your sinuses are packed with mucus.

Maybe it hurts to breathe. Maybe you can't even look at a Java City cup without wanting to vom. But other people don't know that.

They just see you sitting in your chair in class, staring off into nowhere with your head sort of swimming around in space. You look crazy. Get it together.

Oh, and wash your hair. It may be hard to stand in the shower for that long, but I mean seriously, guys.

Showing everyone what your hair looks like four days unwashed is not going to make you or any of the other sick people around you feel any better.

In fact, looking at your nasty hair makes me feel even worse, so please scrub scrub that ish.

Feel better, everybody. Including me. I'm so over this illness.

Next week - hopefully - I'll be back with more critiques. Until then, majorly yours.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Winter wear: Yes, it gets cold, even in Mississippi

Hello faithful readers, fans and haters. Last week was just a reintroduction to my column, and a more serious look at fashion and spring trends that are going to be big. So boring, right? Let's get back in gear.

One thing I've noticed walking around campus recently is the new standardized female uniform: baggy T-shirt, black leggings, tennis shoes (or Ugg boots if it's cold enough), a fleece zip-up jacket and the infamous shacker ponytail.

You all know what I'm talking about, men and women alike. The shacker ponytail: barely recognizable as an actual hairstyle, more of a hair non-style actually, which looks as if it was thrown up in a rush as a girl leaves a guy's house early in the morning before class.

The back of the hair is pulled up in a hairband, while the front of the hair is less standardized, ranging anywhere from slightly tussled to a hot damn mess. I hate this look. Hate it, hate it.

Sure, we're in college. Sure, I have worn leggings to class, but only after I've had a modern dance class.

The way you look still matters. I'm in no position to judge on shacking up, but the shacker look? Overz it.

Okay, folks, I know we live in Mississippi, where the winters are generally mild and short.

And now, thanks to our friend global warming, sporadic and not even guaranteed.

However, when it is cold - as in you need a coat to go outside and be comfortable - it is simply not acceptable to wear sandals of any sort.

A girl in one of my classes last week wore her Rainbows to class.

I'm sorry? I'm wearing a knee-length wool coat and a large scarf, and you are wearing flip-flops?

Um, you look ridiculous. All of you. If it is below 60 degrees outside, flip-flops are not acceptable. Also, I'm over Rainbows.

In all fairness, I have never owned a pair so I don't know how comfortable they are or any of that. I'm sure they are wonderful. As a $45 pair of flip flops, they better be.

But I'm tired of seeing them. Especially when it's 40 degrees outside.

Along the same line, guys, it's not okay to wear khaki shorts in cold weather. I can understand wearing exercise shorts around, because if you want to work out and then go to class, it's just much more convenient not to have to change clothes.

But actual shorts - as in any shorts made of anything but a nylon-poly blend - should be outlawed during the winter.

Once again, I know we live in Mississippi, but it still gets cold. And you look stupid.

I love boots. Ugg boots, riding boots, ankle boots, sweater boots - all of them are fabulous. However, I am not a fan of furry boots. Furry on the inside is OK. Super furry on the outside - not OK.

Even worse are those boots with the furry balls hanging off of them on strands of yarn. Really? Those are cat toys.

Why would you wear any article of clothing that could be misconstrued as something a cat should chew on? Stick with Uggs if your feet are cold.

Next week: more fashion blunders. I'm sure there will be plenty of them.

Until then, majorly yours.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

New Year's fashion resolutions for ladies

Well, my friends, it's been a while. The break was about six weeks long, I guess, and it seemed like one week. Tricky, time.

Trick me once, shame on you. Trick me twice, I'll tell you to stop wearing those ridiculous clock-embroidered pants.

I searched and searched for a topic for this first column. I thought about discussing Christmas Day fashion, but Christmas was so long ago, and it wouldn't be politically correct to exclude other holidays, of course.

I considered writing about random fashion disasters I saw over the break, but I spent the majority of it anywhere but Oxford, so that wouldn't be entirely relevant.

So I decided to discuss New Year's women's fashion resolutions. It's the dawn of a new year and a new semester, for some of you maybe your last semester of college, and I can't think of a better time to decide to dress well.

One of the big trends coming up for spring is sheer fabric. Of course it looks fabulous on super-skinny runway models, but for most real people, it probably won't work.

The top spring collections include everything from sheer pants to sheer tops to sheer dresses - but that doesn't mean we should all try to wear them. Resolution: Sheer is okay for size twos, and only in small doses.

Another big trend for spring, possibly as a carryover from fall and winter, is women's clothing inspired by men's clothing: oversized blazers, ties, button-up blouses, wide-leg trousers.

I have always been a huge fan of androgynous clothing, especially women's fashion that looks like men's. Resolution: Girls, don't be afraid to buy a tie or some button-ups.

Another spring trend is going to be big, oversized hippie-ish clothing. I don't know how I feel about this one actually. As a rule, I am generally opposed to oversized clothing, because the vast majority of people cannot wear it and pull it off.

Once again, I guess it looks okay on super-skinny runway models, but even then I'm not completely sold on it. Resolution: Stay away from baggy clothing, no matter what Vogue says.

Lastly, neon colors are going to be huge. I prefer darker tones myself, but I don't shy away from bright colors either. I am pro-neon, in small doses.

Resolution: Yay for neon belts, bags and shoes. Nay to neon dresses, pants, oversized sheets referred to as shirts, etc.

Really quickly: I want to go ahead and give my nod of approval to Ugg boots. I don't think I've ever discussed them before, which is a faux pas considering how prevalent they are on this campus. They are ugly, it's true.

But anyone who owns a pair knows how amazing they are on the inside. And isn't that what counts in life? Don't judge a book by its cover, y'allz.

Next week: fashion police in full force. Get ready. Until then, majorly yours.