Friday, November 30, 2007

Taking on the trashy LSU tigers

I owe my readers an apology. For 13 weeks now I've been reprimanding Ole Miss Grove-goers for their disastrous fashion choices.

I thought I had seen it all, the worst of the worst. Colonel Reb-embroidered pants. Bow ties of all sorts. Barefooted nymphs frolicking among the stadium bleachers.

But I discovered on Nov. 17, 2007, that I had in fact seen nothing at all.

So I owe you all an apology. (And I don't apologize a lot, so listen up.) I'm sorry for chastising you. I'm sorry for mocking your poor fashion choices like they were the worst decisions ever made.

I'm sorry, not because I regret what I once wrote, but because I now realize that what I once deemed to be heinous and poorly-made fashion choices were not really that bad when compared to the trashy, classless, sleazy (yep, I said it) choices made by LSU fans in the Grove when they visited our lovely campus a couple of weeks ago.

There's been lots of big news the past two weeks. O got fired, Nutt got hired. Pillowgate. The presidential debates will make a Rebel appearance.

But the biggest news of all, ladies and gentlemen: LSU fans are as trashy as ever.

It all started when I walked to the Grove from my car Saturday morning, Grove chairs in arms, and found myself trailing behind a woman wearing a tiger print faux fur coat.

I saw lots of tiger print that day, but that didn't make it any less atrocious. She complimented her fugly wardrobe with a handbag that was - yep, you guessed it - purple and gold. The body of the bag was purple and I'm pretty sure the LSU tiger was embroidered on one side, complimented with gold piping, vom vom vom all over myself.

I had barely gotten over this disaster when I left my tent about 30 minutes later to go to the bathroom. On my way, I see faux fur tiger coat woman again. Except this time her outfit is complete. That's right, this time she's drinking what appears to be champagne out of a champagne glass that was adorned with "LSU! Geaux tigers!" around the rim, written in purple and gold paint pen.

I mean, seriously? You can't get much trashier than writing on a champagne glass with paint pen. I had to give this catastrophe a big LOLZ.

Moving on. It took me a while to get over her. But it only got worse. I'm sure many of you saw the LSU "pimps" walking around the Grove, complete with purple and gold canes and "pimp" cups.

I use that word very cautiously because they were so poorly dressed and obviously huge fools, thus suggesting only the trashiest of the trashy would ever want to be seen with them (READ: LSU girls).

I threw up in my mouth a little when I saw them walking by my tent. Then I heard the news that someone had come to visit our precious Grove equipped with a tent boasting a stripper pole in the middle.

I pretty much died inside. The fact that someone would come onto the Ole Miss campus, arguably the classiest and prettiest campus in the South, and have the audacity to set up a stripper pole in the Grove is disgusting. Trash, trash, trash.

You don't look cool. You look like fools. Let's be honest - the only stripping that will be going on is your stripping off your ridiculous outfits. Take your stripper pole and leave, seriously. This is not LSU. This is Ole Miss.

I'm sure where you come from, doing things like dressing like pimps and setting up a stripper pole in the middle of your yard is, like, so totally awesome. Here, it's just trash. Get out.

I have to give LSU fans their share of credit, though. It's not entirely their fault. The LSU colors are so heinous that it would be hard for them to wear them and somehow look cute.

I saw one girl do it though. She had on jeans (not appropriate for the Grove, but I'll let it slide), a royal purple top and a cropped yellow jacket. She looked cute. All by herself.

I have never been to the LSU campus during a football game, and I'm pretty sure I never want to go. I would probably die.

One thing is for sure: the last Grove really put things into perspective for me. Ole Miss fans no longer seem like the absolute fashion calamities they once did. Congratulations, y'all. We have some class. Who knew.

Oh, and one more thing. The "Geaux tigers! Kick their ass!" cheer is not only effing annoying, but also it's grammatically incorrect. "Their" is a plural possessive pronoun. "Ass" is obviously a singular noun. So it should be, "Kick their asses!" Not only do y'all dress trashy as hell, you're also ignorant. LOLZ!

Enjoy your break, y'all. Feel free to e-mail me with fashion concerns and questions.

Until then, majorly yours.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The best and worst of Turkey Day fashion

Two big things are coming up in all our lives.

One requires showing other people how much we absolutely hate them, and the other requires showing other people how much we love them.

I speak, of course, of the LSU game Saturday followed by the Thanksgiving break. Go to hell, LSU ... mmm turkey.

Sounds like a perfect week.

I've already drilled into you all how to dress for the Grove. I don't want to beat a dead horse so I will just say this: The high this Saturday is 63 degrees.

It will undoubtedly be the coolest Grove we've had so far this season, so don't be afraid of winter wear. It won't be cold enough for anything wool, probably, but don't fear sweaters (read: cardigans, capes for girls) or light jackets (read: suit jackets for guys).

Welcome the cool weather. Embrace it. And dress appropriately.

What I really want to focus on this week, however, is how to dress for Thanksgiving. A lot of people I know claim Thanksgiving as their favorite holiday.

I don't completely understand this because Thanksgiving is basically Christmas without the gifts.

Thanksgiving + presents + pretty tree with lights on it = Christmas = better. Duh.

However, since so many people love Thanksgiving so much, I want to dedicate a column to talking about Thanksgiving fashion. With all that food and drink waiting to be consumed, it's important to dress well, obvs.

I'm going to go ahead and instate a ban on elastic waistbands of all sorts. This includes pajamas.

Um, if you're going to stay home all day and gorge yourself on turkey and dressing, sweet potato casserole and pumpkin pie, you better dress well. You owe it to your excessiveness.

Going all out with the food? Go all out with your clothes. Dress for the dressing. Crucial.

As a side note, I will also like to instate a ban on wooden clogs. I saw a girl on campus the other day wearing some serious, hard core wooden clogs.

The soles were about three inches thick, and they looked like they probably could have been used as a lethal weapon.

If you want to keep one in your purse in case someone tries to mug you, that's one thing. Don't be caught dead with them on your feet, lord.


Same goes for Thanksgiving day. Don't wear clogs, obvi.

A good pair of flats or cute pumps will suffice for girls. For guys, boat shoes or dress shoes will work.

People often love to pull out the thick ribbed sweaters themed in fall colors for Thanksgiving day. Don't.

Ribbed sweaters only look good on Gisele. I have had my share of ribbed sweaters and none of them have ever really looked good on me.

Why? Because I'm not a size zero.

And if you're not either, stay away from ribbed.

Especially in crazy color schemes. Stick with solid color knits.

I'm out y'all. Time to start getting ready for the LSU game. And then one full week of sleeping. And eating.

Basically, heaven. Until then, majorly yours.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

The amazing world of Wal-Mart fashion

The attendance at the game Saturday was fewer than 24,000 people, which (rumor has it) was the lowest attendance in the SEC in recent memory.

Most people think it's because our football team is just plain bad, but in reality it's because people are tired of seeing khaki pants with Colonel Rebs all over them and Rebel flag neck ties.

If the fashion is that awful, and the football team is that bad, there literally is no reason to go to the game.

As such, I didn't go. At least I was in good (and large) company.

Since I wasn't in the Grove Saturday to critique fashion, I've decided to critique the fashion of another place everyone knows and loves dearly.

We all go there on a regular basis, and we all see the people who walk around looking like fools.

Go on a Saturday when there is an away game, and you'll see the real characters of Lafayette County come out of the woodwork.

To which magical place am I referring? None other than Wal-Mart.

I try my hardest to avoid Wal-Mart on the weekends, because I am literally frightened by the things I see when I go.

However, it could not be avoided this past weekend, and so I want to share some of the things I saw.

I'm pretty sure I saw a farmer. A true city girl at heart, I don't think I've ever actually seen a farmer in person before. Until Saturday.

He was pretty old, with lots of white hair and a big white beard.Easily confused with Santa Claus except for the fact that he was wearing a plaid short-sleeved button-up under denim overalls.

My memory is fuzzy, but I think he may also have been donning a straw wide-rim hat. The only thing that would have made the outfit complete would be one of those long things farmers like to chew on; I forget what they're called.

Next. The baggy faded T-shirt may as well be a requirement to go into Wal-Mart.

I saw a guy with a Mickey Mouse shirt on. Faux pas. No. 1.

It was way too big for him. No 2. It was faded and looked like it was probably dirty. No. 3.

And he was not alone. I understand that not everyone feels the urge to dress up to go to Wal-Mart. I know I certainly don't.

But if there's one thing I can't stand, it's baggy, faded T-shirts that are worn so thin you can basically see through them. Unless you're wearing it to bed, don't wear it.

There's just something about Wal-Mart that encourages people to slack off when it comes to fashion.

Including people like me who like to dress cutely as much as possible.

Even I am not beyond critique, so here it goes. On one recent trip to Wal-Mart, I wore gray pajama pants, a spaghetti strap undershirt and a T-shirt. No bra.

I'm sure many girls know, especially for us larger-chested females, going without a bra is the ultimate sign of "I don't care at all." Wal-Mart is the ultimate braless zone.

If I'm leaving my house without a bra, I'm probably headed to Wal-Mart.

Also, wearing pajamas out of the house is not okay. Unless you are going to Wal-Mart. Or it's exam week.

Other than that, if you've got pajamas on, you better be in bed or lounging around your house. Otherwise, no ma'am.

But maybe this is all part of the so-called charm of Wal-Mart.

It's not high-class.

It's a public place, but it doesn't require that you dress like you're going out in public. It welcomes everyone indiscriminately.

You can argue for whether or not these qualities are good, but I know I always feel comfortable in Wal-Mart.

Especially when I'm wearing pajamas.

Next week: LSU Grove preview.

It's the last home game of the season and the last home game of my Ole Miss career. Tear. Until then, majorly yours.