A guide to Grove fashion

It's Grove time, bitchez.

In terms of fashion, that means hordes of freshwomen (and some upperclasswomen) will descend upon the Square in hopes of spending lots of mummy and daddy's money to find that perfect dress.

And for what? To sit around in the heat in a tent eating crustless cucumber sandwiches and drinking any number of alcoholic beverages from anything but alcoholic beverage containers (as per the new alcohol policy).

I used to think this whole charade was so stupid. Getting all dressed up to sit around, sweat a lot and get drunko. But that was when I was still the sad, closeted fashionista I used to be.

Now I look forward to the Grove on game days for several reasons. The band. The Rebelettes (my fave!). The food. The G&T. But most of all I can't wait to write about all the foolish things I see people wearing.

Whenever I'm in a large crowd of people who are supposed to be dressed well, my fashioney sense goes into hyperdrive. It's like spidey sense, only bitchier.

But before I open up a can on Saturday (of whoop ass, not beer -calm down UPD), I feel it's only fair to give you all some preemptive Grove advice.

Guys, you already know what I'm going to say. Ditch the bowtie. If you must wear a tie, which is an effort I fully support, go with a full-length necktie. A skinny one if you're really bold.

Pair it with a nice long-sleeved button-up (sleeves rolled up for comfort), a pair of well-fitting dress pants and some dress shoes, and you're good to go. Mmmm.

Oh, and stay away from pastel plaids, or any patterns for that matter, especially on the lower half of your body. Do not wear shorts. Do not wear plaid shorts. You know the ones I'm referring to - it looks like Ralph Lauren vomed on your crotch. Not cute.

Girls, there are several rules of thumb for Grove style. First of all, you're going to be walking around in a large muddy pit of grass. As far as I'm willing to go for a pair of fabulous stilettos, I hate to see girls hobbling around in the mud because their heels are getting stuck in the moist (ew) ground.

I've been there. You look so awkward just trying to walk that it detracts from the hotness of the heels you are wearing. Unless you're sure you will be sitting during the whole Grove experience, opt for some lower or chunkier heels, or just wear flats.

Don't wear anything too expensive. Lolz! Yeah, right. Spend as much money as you want to, but you should know that you are likely to get a nice big vodka-cranberry stain on your dress or a grass stain from that drunken tumble you took over a tree root. So go ahead and wear that $800 dress - just don't expect to wear it again. Ever.

I'm over pearls. Everyone knows you have money. Unless there is something remarkably different about your strand of pearls, leave them at home and opt for something that will set you apart.

I touched on this in my first column, but I think it's important enough to reiterate: be expressive. Wear what you want to wear and don't worry about what everyone else in the Grove is going to think of you.

Most everyone is going to be dressed similarly (read: BORING); escape the herd mentality. Be a boss, and do what you want. If I want to wear my ghetto gold "M" necklace to the Grove, I'm gonna. Just do it. But remember: Be fab always. And have fun!

Next week: the Grove in review. Until then, majorly yours.

P.S. Girls, as far as the dress is concerned, just be cute. Avoid anything too formal and stay away from tacky prom. I'll be watching you.