Thursday, March 20, 2008

I want to pinch 365 days a year

I don't like St. Patrick's Day. I don't hate it either, but it just seems hard to have any feelings that aren't neutral about a holiday that I deem largely meaningless.

Hey, let's all wear green and drink some beer. I can understand the significance if you are, in fact, Irish, but other than that, it's just an excuse to cover yourself in a pukey color and drink entirely too much.

I do like the pinching. Only I don't like to be pinched because I'm not wearing a certain color. If I'm wearing something fugly, like green crocs, then you can pinch me.

But for re re, if you pinch me, I will click on your ass. I don't like being touched.

I wish I could pinch people who dressed like freaks 365 days a year and it be deemed socially acceptable.

I saw a lady wearing some sort of embellished tank top, high-waisted flare jeans that were a couple inches too short a la 1985 and huge brown clogs. Why couldn't I pinch her? She looked like a damn fool - but her shirt was green.

So if I pinched her, I would just be seen as a hateful hobgoblin. But if her shirt had been blue, it would have been OK? Stupid. Stupid holiday.

In other news, my favorite preacher is back on campus. I'm sure Brother Micah already thinks I'm going to hell so I don't feel the need to hold back.

I love suspenders on hot women. See: Victoria Beckham on the cover of December's Elle. Loves. It. Yes, I said hot. I guess I'm going to homo hell.

Suspenders on a balding, middle-aged, overweight man yelling offensive things and calling women whores as they walk by? Fugly.

If you are going to yell at people and tell them they are all going to hell specifically to raise awareness of your "religion," you are also going to raise awareness of what you are wearing.

It makes sense. A crowd of 300 people looking at you - and you're going to wear suspenders, a stupid-looking hat and, my favorite part, some sort of backpack strapped so tight it reminds me of that BDSM film I watched last week.

Oops. Hell strike two.

Honestly. Everyone here thinks you're a fool already, but that doesn't mean you have to dress like one.

On the other hand, if you are going to speak out against masturbation and fornication, one could argue that it's appropriate to dress like someone who has never experienced either of those things.

Congrats, Brother.

I would also like to say that if hell exists as our friend Micah describes it, it is full of masturbators, fornicators and homosexuals. If that's the case, my damnation has been a long time coming.

That's what she said.

And hell would also be - let's be honest here - one hell of a party.

Next week, more tomfoolery. Until then, majorly yours.

1 comment:

Meralda Felwitch said...

Oh, a lunatic street preacher! Why is that when these people find god, they lose soap, razors, and manners in general?

I believe that plump little loudmouthed men who fancy suspenders are the ones who belong in hell. A very special hell, wherein the must purchase their entire wardrobes from the Dollar Tree and . . .

Wait, that's *here*. Terribly sorry, "brother" Micah or whatever your ridiculous name is. Carry on. Your eternal reward awaits, in the form of a $15 JC Penney Gift Card which shall, by the way, triple the worth of all your wordly possessions. I suggest something in a natural fiber, you should try it, once.

Perhaps this obnoxious nutball has moved on by now. I'm sure there are sinners elsewhere who need a good chuckle.

In fact, let's all wish Brother Nutjob well.

May I borrow a term from you, Miss Meghan?

Altogether now!