Here's the thing, y'all. I'm sick. I've been sick since the end of last week.
I spent all day in bed Saturday, dead to the world, feverish and sore and unable to eat or drink. I actually haven't eaten a real meal since Friday night, and even then it was a small one. I'm not vomming or anything, I just have no appetite.
In addition, I've noticed that about half the people I know are also sick.
There are varying degrees of sickness: some can go to class and work while maintaining a regular hacking noise consistent with the black lung, others just lay in bed immobile for a couple of days and drink lots of orange juice. Tomayto, tomahto.
As a result, I decided to write my column this week on sick fashion. Even if you feel like death, you better look fierce. Like fierce, fierce death.
You're still in the running towards becoming America's Next Hottest Sick Person.
You have the flu. Or the black lung. You already missed this class twice. If you miss it again your grade will drop by five points. You muster the energy to get out of bed and trudge to class through the probably disgusting, cold, rainy, windy Oxford weather.
If you're lucky your roommate slash best friend slash significant other has offered you a ride to class. But the big question still remains: What do you wear?
A trip to the student health center will tell you that the appropriate sick outfit is pajama pants, T-shirt, sweatshirt and a general look of disgust and/or wanting to die.
A face mask might also be appropriate if you have flu-like symptoms. Our busiest hours are from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. each day of the week.
However, I say that fashion standards don't change just because you feel like dying. You might be hunched over trying to avoid either coughing up a lung or vomiting into your hand, but you better look fabulous while doing it.
You show that flu who's boss by rocking those platform pumps and skinny jeans.
Going to class in pajamas is not acceptable. Also unacceptable?
Wearing that awful deadpan look on your face while you're sick. Come on, y'all. Perk up. Maybe your sinuses are packed with mucus.
Maybe it hurts to breathe. Maybe you can't even look at a Java City cup without wanting to vom. But other people don't know that.
They just see you sitting in your chair in class, staring off into nowhere with your head sort of swimming around in space. You look crazy. Get it together.
Oh, and wash your hair. It may be hard to stand in the shower for that long, but I mean seriously, guys.
Showing everyone what your hair looks like four days unwashed is not going to make you or any of the other sick people around you feel any better.
In fact, looking at your nasty hair makes me feel even worse, so please scrub scrub that ish.
Feel better, everybody. Including me. I'm so over this illness.
Next week - hopefully - I'll be back with more critiques. Until then, majorly yours.