Thursday, February 7, 2008

The real winner of Super Tuesday: Skinny jeans

As I sit writing this column, it is Tuesday and Armageddon is upon us. There are tornadoes everywhere, a tree is on fire somewhere in Oxford and several buildings have been damaged. Trees are falling down and lights are going out.

I drove to Birmingham today to vote in the primary there, and as I was driving back I saw what might be considered a bona fide lightning storm.

All this is to say that I was scared. Very scared. And in those moments that could have been my last, when the wind was howling and large drops of water threatened to take over my car, I thought about jeans.

I thought, "Thank God for skinny jeans." I saw a girl the other day, I believe at one of the local bars, wearing hard core flared denim with boots. No ma'am.

I recently converted my roommate to skinny jeans and even she now admits that once you go skinny, you never go back.

Flares are just so awful. If you're going to wear jeans and high-heeled boots, for the love, don't wear flares. They swallow the bottom half of your leg and, by association, your cute boots. Let's all leave flares where they belong - in 1999.

With a black man and a white woman running for president of the United States, the time has come to progress.

Don't fear the jeans that hug your calves. If you have nice legs, go for it.

In addition to the foul weather we experienced earlier this week, we also experienced two very American celebrations on one day: Super Tuesday and Fat Tuesday. Also known as Super Fat Obese Tuesday, making it all the more American.

I'm over Mardi Gras beads. I got over them really quickly Tuesday night when I was out on the Square and everyone and their brother slash sister thought it was appropriate to wear them, regardless of what their outfits looked like.

I appreciate the celebration of Mardi Gras, but those beads are just so fugly. And the fact that they have come to be equated with girls baring their breasts is just unfortunate.

Girls, if you wear Mardi Gras beads, even on Fat Tuesday, you look like a slut. Sad but true. Just don't do it.

Plus, the cheap plastic is liable to turn your skin green. Eek.

Apparently Fat Tuesday is also an excuse for people to dress as ridiculously as they see fit. I saw plenty of people on the Square donning ridiculous hats, shirts and other attire I assume they thought was somehow resemblant of Mardi Gras.

Just because it is oversized, brightly colored and tacky does not mean it should be equated with Mardi Gras. Put that ish away. We're not even in New Orleans. You look stupid.

I want to go back to jeans for a second. The debate over whether black jeans are acceptable rages on. I say that they are acceptable, but only very specific types of black jeans. No acid wash.

They have to be dark, dark black; if they are faded at all they look like 1985, and they should be bumped.

They also need to be skinny, of course. Skinny black jeans with a brightly colored heel - on point.

I hope everyone made it through the storms OK. Next week I'll bring a storm of my own, talking about more fashion blunders I've seen. People, stop wearing sandals when it's cold outside! Srsly. The weather is crazy, but that doesn't mean you have to dress like you are also crazy.

Until next time, majorly yours.

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