Timbaland > Timberlands

I went shoe shopping this weekend. Oh, don't be so shocked. I know my love for shoes has been tastefully understated thus far, but really, I luv shoez.

I went looking for boots. Booties, ankle boots, shrug boots, calf boots--they were all on my list. I walked up and down the boot aisles at a huge shoe store that shall remain unnamed, and I saw all kinds of boots: black riding boots, black platform boots with spiky heels, brown slouch boots, black booties. It was boot heaven. Except for these, which somehow snuck past the guy (or lady!) guarding the heavenly gates. They kind of just defy explanation:

From the front, it seems harmless enough. (twss)


From the side, a scary surprise. (twss?)

I'm sure you can see from the logos that these "boots" were created by Timberland. I know we all remember Timberland boots. For a spell between the sixth and eighth grades, they were incredibly popular, and if you didn't have a pair, you were, like, such a loser. Other things that were popular during this time period include flared jeans, sparkly makeup, Smackers lip gloss, and GAP sweatshirts. These Timberlands would have been in good company, says sixth grade me.

Now, I stared at these boots for a good 10 seconds trying to discern on what occasion you might wear them. Hiking? Clearly, no. With a cute dress and tights? Ummm... no. With jeans? No, also ridiculous.

I appreciate Timberlands for what they are. On guys, they can look nice with a pair of good jeans and a polo or something. But those are, of course, old school Timberlands sans two-inch heels. The boots seen above are just wrong. I will neither go timbering while wearing them nor do anything involving land, like walk. What a disgrace. Honestly, Timberland. Stop trying to make Timbaland consider changing his name. Sigh.

Until next time, majorly yours.