It's Valentine's Day. You know what that means. As you're reading this, I'm either in class wishing I were at home eating chocolate and texting people about how stupid Valentine's Day is, or I'm sitting at home eating chocolate and texting people about how stupid Valentine's Day is.
What are we even celebrating on Valentine's Day? I don't love any of the people in my life any less the day before this "holiday" or the day after, so why should I be coerced into buying candy in pink bags or cheesy Hallmark gift cards out of my love for them?
Who is St. Valentine and what did he do? He could have done something atrocious - like wear white after Labor Day - and none of us would know, because we've been brainwashed to walk around in sugar-induced, coma-like states on Feb. 14, professing love to anyone moderately attractive.
I say boo on Valentine's Day. I'm not even particularly single and I still think it's ridiculous.
Also ridiculous: so many outfits I saw over the past week. It was like I stepped into the twilight zone this weekend I saw so many ridiculous things.
Things you would never think someone would actually put on her body. Oh, but I saw them.
First I saw a girl in the mall wearing a brown cotton dress that hit just above her knees. Not bad, you might think. Maybe so. But then she paired it with calf-high brown furry boots. And I do mean furry boots.
Not just boots with the fur a la Flo Rida. The exterior of these boots was completely covered in faux brown fur. It looked like a large squirrel had died on both her feet. Shudder.
Within the next 30 minutes, in the same mall, I saw a girl wearing a gray one-piece pantsuit number.
You know, those really tight ones that you step into and then zip up the front. It had belt loops built in, so she deemed it appropriate to wear a red patent leather belt.
The belt matched the baby tee she wore over the top part of the pantsuit, and the shirt matched her shoes, which were five-inch white platforms with red polka dots.
Yes, you heard me correctly. I didn't stutter. I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing when I realized just how bad this outfit was.
Not only was it a one-piece skin-tight pantsuit. Not only was she too matchy-matchy with all the red. Not only was she wearing possibly the fugliest shoes I've ever seen. But she was also a really cute girl, which made it that much worse that she dumbed her look down so much. So, so much.
And finally, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on the sundae of extremely bad fashion decisions.
As I walked to campus Monday morning from my parking spot that was eons away from any central location, I walked behind a girl donning a sweatshirt, ankle-length sweatpants and … flip flops.
Really? I could barely process the information my brain was retrieving. Obviously she was cold. It was 30 degrees outside, and as she got ready to leave her house that morning she thought, on some level, it's cold outside. I better put on long sleeves and heavy pants.
And obvi I'll wear flip flops, because those will keep my feet, like, soooo warm.
You look like a damn. Fool. Then later I saw a girl wearing Nike workout shorts and flip flops. Are you working out or going to the beach? Make up your mind. It's freaking 40 degrees outside. Dress appropriately, bia.
I hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day. If you don't have a Valentine, never mind. Just keep reminding yourself it's a holiday created by corporate America to get you to spend money on ish you don't really need.
Until next time, majorly yours.