Winter wear: Yes, it gets cold, even in Mississippi

Hello faithful readers, fans and haters. Last week was just a reintroduction to my column, and a more serious look at fashion and spring trends that are going to be big. So boring, right? Let's get back in gear.

One thing I've noticed walking around campus recently is the new standardized female uniform: baggy T-shirt, black leggings, tennis shoes (or Ugg boots if it's cold enough), a fleece zip-up jacket and the infamous shacker ponytail.

You all know what I'm talking about, men and women alike. The shacker ponytail: barely recognizable as an actual hairstyle, more of a hair non-style actually, which looks as if it was thrown up in a rush as a girl leaves a guy's house early in the morning before class.

The back of the hair is pulled up in a hairband, while the front of the hair is less standardized, ranging anywhere from slightly tussled to a hot damn mess. I hate this look. Hate it, hate it.

Sure, we're in college. Sure, I have worn leggings to class, but only after I've had a modern dance class.

The way you look still matters. I'm in no position to judge on shacking up, but the shacker look? Overz it.

Okay, folks, I know we live in Mississippi, where the winters are generally mild and short.

And now, thanks to our friend global warming, sporadic and not even guaranteed.

However, when it is cold - as in you need a coat to go outside and be comfortable - it is simply not acceptable to wear sandals of any sort.

A girl in one of my classes last week wore her Rainbows to class.

I'm sorry? I'm wearing a knee-length wool coat and a large scarf, and you are wearing flip-flops?

Um, you look ridiculous. All of you. If it is below 60 degrees outside, flip-flops are not acceptable. Also, I'm over Rainbows.

In all fairness, I have never owned a pair so I don't know how comfortable they are or any of that. I'm sure they are wonderful. As a $45 pair of flip flops, they better be.

But I'm tired of seeing them. Especially when it's 40 degrees outside.

Along the same line, guys, it's not okay to wear khaki shorts in cold weather. I can understand wearing exercise shorts around, because if you want to work out and then go to class, it's just much more convenient not to have to change clothes.

But actual shorts - as in any shorts made of anything but a nylon-poly blend - should be outlawed during the winter.

Once again, I know we live in Mississippi, but it still gets cold. And you look stupid.

I love boots. Ugg boots, riding boots, ankle boots, sweater boots - all of them are fabulous. However, I am not a fan of furry boots. Furry on the inside is OK. Super furry on the outside - not OK.

Even worse are those boots with the furry balls hanging off of them on strands of yarn. Really? Those are cat toys.

Why would you wear any article of clothing that could be misconstrued as something a cat should chew on? Stick with Uggs if your feet are cold.

Next week: more fashion blunders. I'm sure there will be plenty of them.

Until then, majorly yours.

New Year's fashion resolutions for ladies

Well, my friends, it's been a while. The break was about six weeks long, I guess, and it seemed like one week. Tricky, time.

Trick me once, shame on you. Trick me twice, I'll tell you to stop wearing those ridiculous clock-embroidered pants.

I searched and searched for a topic for this first column. I thought about discussing Christmas Day fashion, but Christmas was so long ago, and it wouldn't be politically correct to exclude other holidays, of course.

I considered writing about random fashion disasters I saw over the break, but I spent the majority of it anywhere but Oxford, so that wouldn't be entirely relevant.

So I decided to discuss New Year's women's fashion resolutions. It's the dawn of a new year and a new semester, for some of you maybe your last semester of college, and I can't think of a better time to decide to dress well.

One of the big trends coming up for spring is sheer fabric. Of course it looks fabulous on super-skinny runway models, but for most real people, it probably won't work.

The top spring collections include everything from sheer pants to sheer tops to sheer dresses - but that doesn't mean we should all try to wear them. Resolution: Sheer is okay for size twos, and only in small doses.

Another big trend for spring, possibly as a carryover from fall and winter, is women's clothing inspired by men's clothing: oversized blazers, ties, button-up blouses, wide-leg trousers.

I have always been a huge fan of androgynous clothing, especially women's fashion that looks like men's. Resolution: Girls, don't be afraid to buy a tie or some button-ups.

Another spring trend is going to be big, oversized hippie-ish clothing. I don't know how I feel about this one actually. As a rule, I am generally opposed to oversized clothing, because the vast majority of people cannot wear it and pull it off.

Once again, I guess it looks okay on super-skinny runway models, but even then I'm not completely sold on it. Resolution: Stay away from baggy clothing, no matter what Vogue says.

Lastly, neon colors are going to be huge. I prefer darker tones myself, but I don't shy away from bright colors either. I am pro-neon, in small doses.

Resolution: Yay for neon belts, bags and shoes. Nay to neon dresses, pants, oversized sheets referred to as shirts, etc.

Really quickly: I want to go ahead and give my nod of approval to Ugg boots. I don't think I've ever discussed them before, which is a faux pas considering how prevalent they are on this campus. They are ugly, it's true.

But anyone who owns a pair knows how amazing they are on the inside. And isn't that what counts in life? Don't judge a book by its cover, y'allz.

Next week: fashion police in full force. Get ready. Until then, majorly yours.

Taking on the trashy LSU tigers

I owe my readers an apology. For 13 weeks now I've been reprimanding Ole Miss Grove-goers for their disastrous fashion choices.

I thought I had seen it all, the worst of the worst. Colonel Reb-embroidered pants. Bow ties of all sorts. Barefooted nymphs frolicking among the stadium bleachers.

But I discovered on Nov. 17, 2007, that I had in fact seen nothing at all.

So I owe you all an apology. (And I don't apologize a lot, so listen up.) I'm sorry for chastising you. I'm sorry for mocking your poor fashion choices like they were the worst decisions ever made.

I'm sorry, not because I regret what I once wrote, but because I now realize that what I once deemed to be heinous and poorly-made fashion choices were not really that bad when compared to the trashy, classless, sleazy (yep, I said it) choices made by LSU fans in the Grove when they visited our lovely campus a couple of weeks ago.

There's been lots of big news the past two weeks. O got fired, Nutt got hired. Pillowgate. The presidential debates will make a Rebel appearance.

But the biggest news of all, ladies and gentlemen: LSU fans are as trashy as ever.

It all started when I walked to the Grove from my car Saturday morning, Grove chairs in arms, and found myself trailing behind a woman wearing a tiger print faux fur coat.

I saw lots of tiger print that day, but that didn't make it any less atrocious. She complimented her fugly wardrobe with a handbag that was - yep, you guessed it - purple and gold. The body of the bag was purple and I'm pretty sure the LSU tiger was embroidered on one side, complimented with gold piping, vom vom vom all over myself.

I had barely gotten over this disaster when I left my tent about 30 minutes later to go to the bathroom. On my way, I see faux fur tiger coat woman again. Except this time her outfit is complete. That's right, this time she's drinking what appears to be champagne out of a champagne glass that was adorned with "LSU! Geaux tigers!" around the rim, written in purple and gold paint pen.

I mean, seriously? You can't get much trashier than writing on a champagne glass with paint pen. I had to give this catastrophe a big LOLZ.

Moving on. It took me a while to get over her. But it only got worse. I'm sure many of you saw the LSU "pimps" walking around the Grove, complete with purple and gold canes and "pimp" cups.

I use that word very cautiously because they were so poorly dressed and obviously huge fools, thus suggesting only the trashiest of the trashy would ever want to be seen with them (READ: LSU girls).

I threw up in my mouth a little when I saw them walking by my tent. Then I heard the news that someone had come to visit our precious Grove equipped with a tent boasting a stripper pole in the middle.

I pretty much died inside. The fact that someone would come onto the Ole Miss campus, arguably the classiest and prettiest campus in the South, and have the audacity to set up a stripper pole in the Grove is disgusting. Trash, trash, trash.

You don't look cool. You look like fools. Let's be honest - the only stripping that will be going on is your stripping off your ridiculous outfits. Take your stripper pole and leave, seriously. This is not LSU. This is Ole Miss.

I'm sure where you come from, doing things like dressing like pimps and setting up a stripper pole in the middle of your yard is, like, so totally awesome. Here, it's just trash. Get out.

I have to give LSU fans their share of credit, though. It's not entirely their fault. The LSU colors are so heinous that it would be hard for them to wear them and somehow look cute.

I saw one girl do it though. She had on jeans (not appropriate for the Grove, but I'll let it slide), a royal purple top and a cropped yellow jacket. She looked cute. All by herself.

I have never been to the LSU campus during a football game, and I'm pretty sure I never want to go. I would probably die.

One thing is for sure: the last Grove really put things into perspective for me. Ole Miss fans no longer seem like the absolute fashion calamities they once did. Congratulations, y'all. We have some class. Who knew.

Oh, and one more thing. The "Geaux tigers! Kick their ass!" cheer is not only effing annoying, but also it's grammatically incorrect. "Their" is a plural possessive pronoun. "Ass" is obviously a singular noun. So it should be, "Kick their asses!" Not only do y'all dress trashy as hell, you're also ignorant. LOLZ!

Enjoy your break, y'all. Feel free to e-mail me with fashion concerns and questions.

Until then, majorly yours.

The best and worst of Turkey Day fashion

Two big things are coming up in all our lives.

One requires showing other people how much we absolutely hate them, and the other requires showing other people how much we love them.

I speak, of course, of the LSU game Saturday followed by the Thanksgiving break. Go to hell, LSU ... mmm turkey.

Sounds like a perfect week.

I've already drilled into you all how to dress for the Grove. I don't want to beat a dead horse so I will just say this: The high this Saturday is 63 degrees.

It will undoubtedly be the coolest Grove we've had so far this season, so don't be afraid of winter wear. It won't be cold enough for anything wool, probably, but don't fear sweaters (read: cardigans, capes for girls) or light jackets (read: suit jackets for guys).

Welcome the cool weather. Embrace it. And dress appropriately.

What I really want to focus on this week, however, is how to dress for Thanksgiving. A lot of people I know claim Thanksgiving as their favorite holiday.

I don't completely understand this because Thanksgiving is basically Christmas without the gifts.

Thanksgiving + presents + pretty tree with lights on it = Christmas = better. Duh.

However, since so many people love Thanksgiving so much, I want to dedicate a column to talking about Thanksgiving fashion. With all that food and drink waiting to be consumed, it's important to dress well, obvs.

I'm going to go ahead and instate a ban on elastic waistbands of all sorts. This includes pajamas.

Um, if you're going to stay home all day and gorge yourself on turkey and dressing, sweet potato casserole and pumpkin pie, you better dress well. You owe it to your excessiveness.

Going all out with the food? Go all out with your clothes. Dress for the dressing. Crucial.

As a side note, I will also like to instate a ban on wooden clogs. I saw a girl on campus the other day wearing some serious, hard core wooden clogs.

The soles were about three inches thick, and they looked like they probably could have been used as a lethal weapon.

If you want to keep one in your purse in case someone tries to mug you, that's one thing. Don't be caught dead with them on your feet, lord.

Awful.

Same goes for Thanksgiving day. Don't wear clogs, obvi.

A good pair of flats or cute pumps will suffice for girls. For guys, boat shoes or dress shoes will work.

People often love to pull out the thick ribbed sweaters themed in fall colors for Thanksgiving day. Don't.

Ribbed sweaters only look good on Gisele. I have had my share of ribbed sweaters and none of them have ever really looked good on me.

Why? Because I'm not a size zero.

And if you're not either, stay away from ribbed.

Especially in crazy color schemes. Stick with solid color knits.

I'm out y'all. Time to start getting ready for the LSU game. And then one full week of sleeping. And eating.

Basically, heaven. Until then, majorly yours.

The amazing world of Wal-Mart fashion

The attendance at the game Saturday was fewer than 24,000 people, which (rumor has it) was the lowest attendance in the SEC in recent memory.

Most people think it's because our football team is just plain bad, but in reality it's because people are tired of seeing khaki pants with Colonel Rebs all over them and Rebel flag neck ties.

If the fashion is that awful, and the football team is that bad, there literally is no reason to go to the game.

As such, I didn't go. At least I was in good (and large) company.

Since I wasn't in the Grove Saturday to critique fashion, I've decided to critique the fashion of another place everyone knows and loves dearly.

We all go there on a regular basis, and we all see the people who walk around looking like fools.

Go on a Saturday when there is an away game, and you'll see the real characters of Lafayette County come out of the woodwork.

To which magical place am I referring? None other than Wal-Mart.

I try my hardest to avoid Wal-Mart on the weekends, because I am literally frightened by the things I see when I go.

However, it could not be avoided this past weekend, and so I want to share some of the things I saw.

I'm pretty sure I saw a farmer. A true city girl at heart, I don't think I've ever actually seen a farmer in person before. Until Saturday.

He was pretty old, with lots of white hair and a big white beard.Easily confused with Santa Claus except for the fact that he was wearing a plaid short-sleeved button-up under denim overalls.

My memory is fuzzy, but I think he may also have been donning a straw wide-rim hat. The only thing that would have made the outfit complete would be one of those long things farmers like to chew on; I forget what they're called.

Next. The baggy faded T-shirt may as well be a requirement to go into Wal-Mart.

I saw a guy with a Mickey Mouse shirt on. Faux pas. No. 1.

It was way too big for him. No 2. It was faded and looked like it was probably dirty. No. 3.

And he was not alone. I understand that not everyone feels the urge to dress up to go to Wal-Mart. I know I certainly don't.

But if there's one thing I can't stand, it's baggy, faded T-shirts that are worn so thin you can basically see through them. Unless you're wearing it to bed, don't wear it.

There's just something about Wal-Mart that encourages people to slack off when it comes to fashion.

Including people like me who like to dress cutely as much as possible.

Even I am not beyond critique, so here it goes. On one recent trip to Wal-Mart, I wore gray pajama pants, a spaghetti strap undershirt and a T-shirt. No bra.

I'm sure many girls know, especially for us larger-chested females, going without a bra is the ultimate sign of "I don't care at all." Wal-Mart is the ultimate braless zone.

If I'm leaving my house without a bra, I'm probably headed to Wal-Mart.

Also, wearing pajamas out of the house is not okay. Unless you are going to Wal-Mart. Or it's exam week.

Other than that, if you've got pajamas on, you better be in bed or lounging around your house. Otherwise, no ma'am.

But maybe this is all part of the so-called charm of Wal-Mart.

It's not high-class.

It's a public place, but it doesn't require that you dress like you're going out in public. It welcomes everyone indiscriminately.

You can argue for whether or not these qualities are good, but I know I always feel comfortable in Wal-Mart.

Especially when I'm wearing pajamas.

Next week: LSU Grove preview.

It's the last home game of the season and the last home game of my Ole Miss career. Tear. Until then, majorly yours.

The rights and wrongs of dressing up for Halloween

It's Halloweeny time. It's the one day of the year when you can wear whatever you want and look as ridiculous as your heart desires, without fear of being critiqued.

Or so you thought.

I went to two Ween parties this weekend and, as such, am a virtual expert on Halloween fashion. Today is the actual holiday, so if you plan to dress up tonight, take heed please.

My number one pet peeve, right behind people who drive in the rain without their lights on, is girls who dress super skanky for Halloween.

I'm all about being sexy. I love short dresses and showing just the right amount of skin; but there is such a thing as too much skin.

I saw numerous girls this weekend - sexy nurses, sexy firefighters, sexy police officers, sexy soldiers (yes, it's true) - who typified the "Halloween is just an excuse for me to wear as little clothing as possible" mentality.

I can't exactly say that I wore a lot of clothing, but at least I disguised it as actually going as a character. (Victoria Beckham, to be exact.) It's the lack of creativity combined with the skankiness that bothers me.

At least I didn't see any girls in their underwear, which I definitely did last year. Lawd. Going as a "Victoria's Secret Angel" is bull - you're just going in your underwear. Let's be honest.

Moving on. I'm over baggy Halloween costumes. I mean, you get to be anything you want for one day out of 365. Why would you want to be someone who dresses badly?

I have written again and again about how icky baggy clothes are. So stop it. Yeah, I'm talking to you, brontosaurus. And you, lobster.

Also, I'm tired of being scared on Halloween. Don't wear super gross things that make me want to gag. Like all those masks that make it look like you have some sort of sharp instrument protruding from your forehead. Ick. Eek. So not hot.

Why would you want to look dead while you're walking around obviously quite alive? Stoopid.

The lamest is when people don't dress up for costume parties. If you're not going to dress up, don't go to the party. Or when people sort of half-ass their costumes and then when people ask them what they are, they kind of bumble around trying to figure out what they are. Lamezo.

Dress up for the party or don't go. Dress up to trick-or-treat or don't go. It's freaking Halloween. Go all out or don't go at all.

For all of you who are going out tonight: dress up, be safe, have fun. And please, steer clear of the fake blood, entrails, miscellaneous body parts, etc. etc.

Be fabulous or just stay home and eat candy. Which is beginning to sound pretty nice, actually. Mmmm, candy corn. Get it now before Wal-Mart runs out.

See you all next week. Until then, majorly yours.

Reader questions, club fashion and more

I'm back y'all. I went to Birmingham this past weekend to see "Phantom of the Opera." Amazing.

I've seen it twice before and once on Broadway, and this production was just as good, if not better, than the Broadway one I saw.

I only got one question after my appeal for reader questions last week.

Elise, a graduate student in communicative disorders, writes: "What would you recommend wearing as far as shoes and accessories with scrubs? I have to wear red or blue scrubs everyday and they are so boring. Any advice?"

I think it really depends on what your job is. Some places require you to wear closed-toe shoes, which I'm assuming your place of work probably does.

Tennis shoes would probably be the most comfortable, and since you are already decked out in scrubs, I'm guessing you're not too worried about messing up a cute outfit.

Tennis shoes would be fine.

However, if you do want to try something different and cute, shop online for some cute flats. Tory Burch offers a big selection of really cute (and very popular) flats, but they're a bit pricey - you are going to pay at least $200.

For something cheaper, try Zappos.com. Their selection is enormous, so I'm sure you could find something you like. Some of their flats are fugly, but there are some gems.

Since I only received one question submission, I'll move on to talking about some faux pas I saw this weekend.

We went shopping (of course), and while out I saw a woman wearing a black-and-white printed sun dress that came to just below her knees.

It wasn't amazing, but it wasn't that awful either. My eyes panned down, and I saw she was wearing black high-heeled sandals. Fug.

What's worse? She paired them with nothing other than ankle socks, ladies and gentlemen. Ankle socks.

Not the kind you wear to work out, but the thin kind with the little fold at the top that come up to just above your ankle bone.

I literally stopped in my tracks.

What would possess her to wear socks with high heels and a short sundress?

I have seen thick wool socks paired with high heels and dress pants, and while I'm not a huge fan of that look, I can see how it could be pulled off.

But this? This was just wrong. She broke the cardinal rule of not wearing socks with sandals, and to add insult to severe injury, her sandals had three-inch heels. Vom vom vom vom vom.

Going out in downtown Birmingham is like a box of old, somewhat moldy, sketchy chocolates: you never know what you're going to get. We went to a club on the South side Saturday night and it was trashy-females central.

I'm talking heavy eyeliner, white eye shadow, bell-bottomed-jeans-circa-1997 trashy. It was awful, but it was also fun to sit in judgment. I'm not going to lie.

Several of these girls were donning the ever-so-popular faded, flared and too-tight jeans with a black studded belt and tank top. At the club.

What? I'm sure we all remember those belts with two rows of the little silver-lined holes all the way around them.

I too owned one. In middle school. The way the belted jeans sit cuts off the line of the body and makes people look shorter and fatter than they really are.

If you're wearing jeans to a club, they better be skinny jeans, and they better be paired with cute flats or, preferably, four-inch heels. Honestly.

And guys weren't dressed up or dressed out at all.

Much like the Grove, the favorite seemed to be polo with jeans or polo with khakis.

Or screen tee with ratty, holey jeans. Not much to say here other than "ew," so I'll move on.

Next week: Special Halloween edition! Halloween costumes are not exempt from scrutiny.

I'll be at a couple parties this weekend, and I'll be watching you, slutty nurse/princess/bunny rabbit.

Until then, majorly yours.